I'm most honest with myself when I write, which is why I'm constantly scribbling. I generally write four Chronicles a week in my head but sit down to pen one, if any at all. My emotions have been topsy turvy within the last seven days. Thankfully, I've had creativity to distract me - with full-time work & independent projects stealing most of the minutes in my day, it doesn't leave too much idle time for me to ponder about moments past. And thank the good Lord for that! However, in between takes, there's this faint voice telling me that I need to sit down and meditate or at least write. So here goes...
This morning I hit a milestone. I listened to Eric Roberson. Yes. For the first time in months. This time last year, I had just discovered his music and purchased all of his albums but it wasn't long before he was torn away from me. Or I gave him away. We had to break up...well because...other things had broken up. After crying to him on more than a few occasions, I couldn't bear to listen to any of his songs.
Don't you hate when that happens?! When great music becomes tainted by experience? You mistakenly create a soundtrack that leaves your record collection all screwed up. It's almost like robbery; a situation goes South and then all of a sudden your favorite songs become kill joys, stained by imperfection.
All music has some sort of stamp on it. We associate people, places, periods in our lives with melody. One of my all-time favorite songs 'Septembro' was introduced to me sixteen years ago in dance class, and I always reflect on those times in rehearsal and how much that song touched me as a 9 year old. I remember associating Mandy Moore's 'I Wanna Be With You' & Beenie Man's 'Girls Dem Sugar' to a high school crush. And Anthony Anderson's 'Charlene' to an awful kiss in college. LOL But I digress...
Here recently, I went through another transition and found a few songs caught in the middle. Of course, I do reflect on moments...but I decided to fight back and continue singing my song. I am not letting these tunes go up in flames over one moment in my life! It's just not gonna happen. These songs are too special to me. This is MY playlist and I'm not gonna allow anything to come between me and my music! My song selections aren't gonna be ruined just because a situation has run its course.
I didn't even realize I had changed my way of thinking and 'put my headphones on' until Eric Roberson showed up on my iPod. I paused for a second and then thought, 'Wow, when's the last time I heard this song?' I chuckled because I remembered right away - there I was, sitting in my bed, a hot, bubblin mess wiping my eyes with the back of my hand like a little kid who just got pushed by the class bully. Waaa waaa...ya'll know the growing pains...
Eric came back to me and my listening this morning was effortless. I guess it was to show me that I could literally face the music, face my past, and create a new present and future with the music I love. Although I'm telling this story for dramatic effect (lol), I really had shut his music out of my catalog and just shook my head with regret. But tonight I am currently reacquainting myself to his albums and am happy that I have him back. He won't be walking out of the door with the next dj such and such. Whether it's peaches & herb all day long or not, no one is taking my song. End of story.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
The '50th Factor: Lessons in Love & Like' Chronicles of Kris - 01.29.10
Hi Family,
Random KVC fact: I absolutely love 50 Cent.
There's something endearing about him. Under all that aggression lies a warm, fuzzy bear. I'm convinced.
Actually if you know me well, you'd know my obsession isn't all that random. I met 50 Cent eight years ago when I interned at BET. He was previewing the video for 'In Da Club,' his New Joint of the Day before 106 & Park. He hadn't seen the video yet so naturally, he was excited. I was seated behind him, snickering at his giddiness until he turned around and smiled at me. He thought I was just as thrilled to see the video and suddenly, I was. The moment his eyes met mine, I stopped and celebrated with him. I caught myself saying, 'Awww, congratulations.' At the end of the day, his car passed me as I walked to the train station. He rolled down his window and waved at me. I was shocked he bothered to remember, let alone acknowledge me, and I waved goodnight. He gained a fan that day...accidentally on purpose.
Fast forward eight years later and I own all of 50 Cent's albums, his photo book '50 X 50' and I've worked on a 50 Cent project. I'm fascinated by his mystique so I decided to also pick up his book 'The 50th Law,' which is co-written by Robert Greene, the author of 'The 48 Laws of Power.' The book is right up my alley - an examination of the way we process, analyze, and move through life.
The 50th Law is essentially 'fear nothing.' Greene breaks down 50's experiences and how he was able to move past the negative emotion of fear. Although many of the principles resonate with me, I am shocked that 50 did not even attempt to tackle the #1 downfall of them all - heartbreak (& the aftermath of picking up the pieces without fearing another bout of abandonment). I yelled about that as I read through each section. 'Uh huh, you're not going there. I know you're not touching love. Uh huh, next chapter.' Yes, he discusses how to properly position yourself in leadership roles amongst groups of people but he doesn't address one-on-one interaction directly at all...
50 has always presented himself as this unpenetrable monster, someone who shoots before you even get a chance to load your gun. He shields himself from all (love and) harm by isolating himself. Isolating himself and basking in the glory of money, power...and solitude. There is a difference between being along & lonely, but I doubt he really enjoys either one. Through the pain of losing his parents and false friends, he's learned to accept isolation because it's not beneficial to open your heart up, only for it to get stomped on. I feel you, 50. I do...but I can't live like that. I wanna see you with a woman. I wanna see your soft strength. It's only fair. 50, we all need love and cash can't hug you back. But I know you know this, and acknowledge this in your journal if not your book.
He says, "Understand: the real secret, the real formula for power in this world, lies in accepting the ugly reality that learning requires a process, and this in turn demands patience and the ability to endure drudge work." Since 50 refuses to touch on matters of the heart, I will. In my own life, I must accept that intimate relationships demand patience and the ability to endure the trials and tribulations that come with it. That means not giving up 'the goal' when you've 'failed.' That means taking experiences we'd label as good or bad, and make them neutral. They have shown up in our lives to catapult us to the next level, whether we realize it or not. Everyone has an agenda, and you must be clear about your own without losing yourself in trying to win or lose. What is winning or losing anyway? Sometimes things are removed so that you can make room for the real victory. In my life, I must remain in balance - understanding that at any moment, things could change for what appears to be the better or the worse. But in actuality, it's all for the greatness so I vow to experience fully but not dependently. My joys, my growths, my triumphs are not dependent on someone else's moves. However affected, I will never move fearfully.
I watch 50 Cent's new video 'Do You Think About Me' at least once a day. Besides the fact that I love the song, there's a level of unapologetic honesty (ahem, crazy) that's going on in the clip. Vivica A. Fox is a hot mess; We've all seen her crying and talking about 50 in real life so to see her play the role of the crazy ex slashing tires is not beneath her reality. Because of this, I sometimes wish she'd shut up and go cry in bed. You're the female representative, don't let em see you sweat!!! I hate that she's letting it known how hurt she was/is and I especially hate that she has no strategy. But then, I realize damn, she's (wide) open to love...
Damn it, Vivica. Matters of the heart are never cut and dry. Watch the last :30 of the video...there's something in the pain of her remembering the good times, the excitement of getting revenge on 50, the regret of acting radically, and finally the vulnerability of just wanting him...aaaah, emotions will get you every time...no wonder she's a hot mess! Sheesh, maybe 50's got a point. Why put your hand on the fire when you know it's gonna burn?! Why go down a dead-end block? The real fight is not the love itself, but the fear of going down that road (alone)...No matter what happens, love is stronger than fear if you allow it to flow...take a chance...who's gonna be the representative? :)
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Random KVC fact: I absolutely love 50 Cent.
There's something endearing about him. Under all that aggression lies a warm, fuzzy bear. I'm convinced.
Actually if you know me well, you'd know my obsession isn't all that random. I met 50 Cent eight years ago when I interned at BET. He was previewing the video for 'In Da Club,' his New Joint of the Day before 106 & Park. He hadn't seen the video yet so naturally, he was excited. I was seated behind him, snickering at his giddiness until he turned around and smiled at me. He thought I was just as thrilled to see the video and suddenly, I was. The moment his eyes met mine, I stopped and celebrated with him. I caught myself saying, 'Awww, congratulations.' At the end of the day, his car passed me as I walked to the train station. He rolled down his window and waved at me. I was shocked he bothered to remember, let alone acknowledge me, and I waved goodnight. He gained a fan that day...accidentally on purpose.
Fast forward eight years later and I own all of 50 Cent's albums, his photo book '50 X 50' and I've worked on a 50 Cent project. I'm fascinated by his mystique so I decided to also pick up his book 'The 50th Law,' which is co-written by Robert Greene, the author of 'The 48 Laws of Power.' The book is right up my alley - an examination of the way we process, analyze, and move through life.
The 50th Law is essentially 'fear nothing.' Greene breaks down 50's experiences and how he was able to move past the negative emotion of fear. Although many of the principles resonate with me, I am shocked that 50 did not even attempt to tackle the #1 downfall of them all - heartbreak (& the aftermath of picking up the pieces without fearing another bout of abandonment). I yelled about that as I read through each section. 'Uh huh, you're not going there. I know you're not touching love. Uh huh, next chapter.' Yes, he discusses how to properly position yourself in leadership roles amongst groups of people but he doesn't address one-on-one interaction directly at all...
50 has always presented himself as this unpenetrable monster, someone who shoots before you even get a chance to load your gun. He shields himself from all (love and) harm by isolating himself. Isolating himself and basking in the glory of money, power...and solitude. There is a difference between being along & lonely, but I doubt he really enjoys either one. Through the pain of losing his parents and false friends, he's learned to accept isolation because it's not beneficial to open your heart up, only for it to get stomped on. I feel you, 50. I do...but I can't live like that. I wanna see you with a woman. I wanna see your soft strength. It's only fair. 50, we all need love and cash can't hug you back. But I know you know this, and acknowledge this in your journal if not your book.
He says, "Understand: the real secret, the real formula for power in this world, lies in accepting the ugly reality that learning requires a process, and this in turn demands patience and the ability to endure drudge work." Since 50 refuses to touch on matters of the heart, I will. In my own life, I must accept that intimate relationships demand patience and the ability to endure the trials and tribulations that come with it. That means not giving up 'the goal' when you've 'failed.' That means taking experiences we'd label as good or bad, and make them neutral. They have shown up in our lives to catapult us to the next level, whether we realize it or not. Everyone has an agenda, and you must be clear about your own without losing yourself in trying to win or lose. What is winning or losing anyway? Sometimes things are removed so that you can make room for the real victory. In my life, I must remain in balance - understanding that at any moment, things could change for what appears to be the better or the worse. But in actuality, it's all for the greatness so I vow to experience fully but not dependently. My joys, my growths, my triumphs are not dependent on someone else's moves. However affected, I will never move fearfully.
I watch 50 Cent's new video 'Do You Think About Me' at least once a day. Besides the fact that I love the song, there's a level of unapologetic honesty (ahem, crazy) that's going on in the clip. Vivica A. Fox is a hot mess; We've all seen her crying and talking about 50 in real life so to see her play the role of the crazy ex slashing tires is not beneath her reality. Because of this, I sometimes wish she'd shut up and go cry in bed. You're the female representative, don't let em see you sweat!!! I hate that she's letting it known how hurt she was/is and I especially hate that she has no strategy. But then, I realize damn, she's (wide) open to love...
Damn it, Vivica. Matters of the heart are never cut and dry. Watch the last :30 of the video...there's something in the pain of her remembering the good times, the excitement of getting revenge on 50, the regret of acting radically, and finally the vulnerability of just wanting him...aaaah, emotions will get you every time...no wonder she's a hot mess! Sheesh, maybe 50's got a point. Why put your hand on the fire when you know it's gonna burn?! Why go down a dead-end block? The real fight is not the love itself, but the fear of going down that road (alone)...No matter what happens, love is stronger than fear if you allow it to flow...take a chance...who's gonna be the representative? :)
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Monday, January 25, 2010
The ‘Drawing Board’ Chronicles of Kris – 01/25/10
Good Early Morning!
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. It's been way too long since I've sat down to the computer, although I have been writing to you all in my head for weeks on end! 2010 hit the ground running - I had a little bit of outside foolishness struggling through my doorways but I was so pre-occupied with more important things that the door was forced shut. Thank the Lord I really didn't have a moment to even allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am so excited to be back into the swing of productivity of writing/producing a series (BET's The Deal which airs at daily at 3am) while diligently working my personal plan; I feel alot more alive when I'm running around with no time. I have always accomplished more with less time. Funny how it works that way...
Last weekend I treated myself to a stroll around the neighborhood. Although I walk to various locations in downtown Newark all the time, I rarely take the opportunity to just sight see or walk around aimlessly. I didn't have a goal in mind; I just wanted to walk and breathe. One particular block caught my attention and I continued to turn the same corners 7 times while engaging in a rivoting phone conversation about relationships with my writing partner. Although I was running my mouth, I was very aware of my surroundings and taking mental notes. Interestingly, I noticed something new about the block every single time I circled around.
Once I got off the phone, I went into the Art Kitchen, the Coffee Cave, and two art galleries. All of these landmarks were foreign and completely new to me. I had a great time sitting or perusing through each one. I was in no particular rush so I spent the entire day just relaxing as I arrived at each destination.
I found extreme excitement and joy in spotting something new every time I turned the corner of Halsey Street. I feel that way about every experience; nine times out of ten, we do not receive the entire lesson when we experience something the first time around so sometimes we have to keep going back to that familiar place in order to obtain something else. We may not even realize there's more to experience but we find outselves at similar junctures time and again until finally, we see and experience all that's there for us.
In my efforts to be more decisive and intutive, I'm becoming way more in tune...or at least becoming a better listener/observer to my own layers. Lately I've been awakening to more of my artist spirit in an attempt to get to know the various pieces of Kristen Victoria. I have decided to take up some sort of visual art (probably coloring and sketching) and get in front of a microphone. If you've been near me in the past couple of days, I've been screaming about how much I want to record an r&b mixtape. I've always loved to sing but since I always thought I could dance better than I could sing, people only know me as a dancer. Actually I only really know myself as a dancer. I don't even need others to hear what I put together; I just want to hear myself and see where I can go with ideas, words, rhythms, and the freedom of a new creative space.
As the days go by (in this new decade), I am hoping that we all can work on releasing more of our self-judgements in order to reveal pieces of ourselves we've previously put to bed. Over the weekend, I held the first few rehearsals for my scripted series Sellout and the feeling of my words coming alive feels incredibly fulfilling and humbling. It felt like my characters have FINALLY come off of the page and stepped onto Earth and right into the room. But this did not happen until I was ready for it to happen....until I called it up...until I stopped judging my work for not being good enough. I finally just said, 'I don't care, I just want to get something on film.' Now, we'll see how the project evolves but my characters are in the flesh because I am open to that. I finally hit the block and saw something that spoke to my spirit in a different way, that allowed me to go in without pre-judging and just say here's me, here's my art, and I'm gonna do something with it.
I realize we spend more time fighting ourselves than other people. But how did we get this way? How and why did we start caring about what other people thought of us over what we thought of ourselves? Why is social acceptance or 'rightness' so important? And furthermore, when did we start believing that a life without truth and love is even acceptable? If anything, I've been spending more of my time studying how to revert to our God selves - being full of clarity and bringing peace to our lives and circumstances. When did we lose that? I suppose I'll spend more time becoming more peaceful as opposed to figuring out how we became less peaceful. Gotta keep the forward moving and thinking on the horizon...
Life is funny. Has anyone read any Neale Donald Walsch books? I hardly recommend him. I'm gonna read a few pages and hit the hay. I've gotta get back to my regularly scheduled Chronicles. I miss you guys when I'm away too long.
Have a great week and do something you've never done to achieve something you've never achieved...(and tell me about it!) Keep sketching, keep dreaming, keep putting love thoughts into action!!!
Creating Always,
Kristen Victoria
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. It's been way too long since I've sat down to the computer, although I have been writing to you all in my head for weeks on end! 2010 hit the ground running - I had a little bit of outside foolishness struggling through my doorways but I was so pre-occupied with more important things that the door was forced shut. Thank the Lord I really didn't have a moment to even allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am so excited to be back into the swing of productivity of writing/producing a series (BET's The Deal which airs at daily at 3am) while diligently working my personal plan; I feel alot more alive when I'm running around with no time. I have always accomplished more with less time. Funny how it works that way...
Last weekend I treated myself to a stroll around the neighborhood. Although I walk to various locations in downtown Newark all the time, I rarely take the opportunity to just sight see or walk around aimlessly. I didn't have a goal in mind; I just wanted to walk and breathe. One particular block caught my attention and I continued to turn the same corners 7 times while engaging in a rivoting phone conversation about relationships with my writing partner. Although I was running my mouth, I was very aware of my surroundings and taking mental notes. Interestingly, I noticed something new about the block every single time I circled around.
Once I got off the phone, I went into the Art Kitchen, the Coffee Cave, and two art galleries. All of these landmarks were foreign and completely new to me. I had a great time sitting or perusing through each one. I was in no particular rush so I spent the entire day just relaxing as I arrived at each destination.
I found extreme excitement and joy in spotting something new every time I turned the corner of Halsey Street. I feel that way about every experience; nine times out of ten, we do not receive the entire lesson when we experience something the first time around so sometimes we have to keep going back to that familiar place in order to obtain something else. We may not even realize there's more to experience but we find outselves at similar junctures time and again until finally, we see and experience all that's there for us.
In my efforts to be more decisive and intutive, I'm becoming way more in tune...or at least becoming a better listener/observer to my own layers. Lately I've been awakening to more of my artist spirit in an attempt to get to know the various pieces of Kristen Victoria. I have decided to take up some sort of visual art (probably coloring and sketching) and get in front of a microphone. If you've been near me in the past couple of days, I've been screaming about how much I want to record an r&b mixtape. I've always loved to sing but since I always thought I could dance better than I could sing, people only know me as a dancer. Actually I only really know myself as a dancer. I don't even need others to hear what I put together; I just want to hear myself and see where I can go with ideas, words, rhythms, and the freedom of a new creative space.
As the days go by (in this new decade), I am hoping that we all can work on releasing more of our self-judgements in order to reveal pieces of ourselves we've previously put to bed. Over the weekend, I held the first few rehearsals for my scripted series Sellout and the feeling of my words coming alive feels incredibly fulfilling and humbling. It felt like my characters have FINALLY come off of the page and stepped onto Earth and right into the room. But this did not happen until I was ready for it to happen....until I called it up...until I stopped judging my work for not being good enough. I finally just said, 'I don't care, I just want to get something on film.' Now, we'll see how the project evolves but my characters are in the flesh because I am open to that. I finally hit the block and saw something that spoke to my spirit in a different way, that allowed me to go in without pre-judging and just say here's me, here's my art, and I'm gonna do something with it.
I realize we spend more time fighting ourselves than other people. But how did we get this way? How and why did we start caring about what other people thought of us over what we thought of ourselves? Why is social acceptance or 'rightness' so important? And furthermore, when did we start believing that a life without truth and love is even acceptable? If anything, I've been spending more of my time studying how to revert to our God selves - being full of clarity and bringing peace to our lives and circumstances. When did we lose that? I suppose I'll spend more time becoming more peaceful as opposed to figuring out how we became less peaceful. Gotta keep the forward moving and thinking on the horizon...
Life is funny. Has anyone read any Neale Donald Walsch books? I hardly recommend him. I'm gonna read a few pages and hit the hay. I've gotta get back to my regularly scheduled Chronicles. I miss you guys when I'm away too long.
Have a great week and do something you've never done to achieve something you've never achieved...(and tell me about it!) Keep sketching, keep dreaming, keep putting love thoughts into action!!!
Creating Always,
Kristen Victoria
The 'Love Everlasting' Chronicles of Kris - 12/31/09
Dear Love,
It is once again that I sit down to the keyboard with a humble heart - thankful for peace in this moment, tranquility in my spirit, and creativity in the midst. It's no coincidence that we are in some way connected, and I thank you for your positive energy as we all move forward as a community. I hope that we will continue to support each other even more as we live out the missions written on our hearts and vision boards.
I have plenty of goals for the new year, and they all surround one ultimate goal - being more decisive and intuitive, trusting what I already know or feel within my heart. I skimmed through a few Chronicles from last year, and it's amazing to hear the energy in each of those writings. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have each of you. You have strengthened my spirit in some way, shape, or form - whether it's a simple smile as we bump into each other on the street, food for thought during a lengthy convo that I needed, or a listening ear as I vent, it all means so much! Your friendship and mentorship is something that cannot be replaced! I appreciate that you continue to accept my gifts and continue to share yours with me.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that love and understanding is all that we need in this life. There is no way around our life's lessons except to go through them with an open heart. And if it's not open, we'll keep on experiencing & analyzing the same things until we learn the way in which we should go. :)
As we enter a new year, decade, and energy, I wish everyone a happy, healthy, prosperous celebration with family and friends. Here's to new goals and action plans!!!
Love Always, Kristen Victoria
P.S. I love this quote 'We are what we've been waiting for...'
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The 'Salute to 2009' Chronicles of Kris - 12/18/09
Happy Friday!
I hope this reaches everyone in great spirits. The holiday season is one of reflection and reunion, but can also be a time of hardship and heavy hearts. It is my sincere hope that you all feel loved, appreciated, and supported all year round. I am sending positive energy, health, happiness, creativity and joy to each of you.
We are 13 days away from 2010!!! A new beginning, a fresh start, a kick in the heineken and I LOVE IT. My dream sheet has been fine-tuned into a precise goal list, and I'm ready to just bust through the '10 wall. I've had many conversations with my 2009, and I am very happy that we have come to a place of harmony and understanding. It took us a good minute but I have worked with 2009 to resolve any feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and hostility. It is my pleasure to hug it out with 2009 and salute the year with a smile.
Recently, 2009 sat down with me and explained itself. It said, "You are a beautiful bird, and the time has come for you to spread your wings and fly. But if you have never used your wings to soar, we must stretch and prepare them. That preparation can leave you feeling sore and uncomfortable because you've never used your wings before. These are foreign movements. You may want to lay down because the stretching hurts so much, but you've already started the workout so it's best that you struggle through it. You've gotten stronger and stronger but instead of focusing on the growth, you focused on the pain. You told me your wings looked and felt different. You said you didn't fit in with the baby birds and they made fun of your black and blue wings. You wanted to look, feel and act as you did in the past. You questioned if you should get back in the nest with the other baby birds, but it was too late. You had already opened your mouth and expressed to me that you wanted to fly. I'm going to see to it that you learn how to fly with ease, grace, and most importantly, the feeling of freedom. Once you become comfortable with our training, you will feel more willing to fly alone, and then you'll grow into comfort and finally confidence. This is the only way we can fly. We have to learn."
I looked at 2009 and cried, but this time I cried happy tears. Through my training process, I never thought of 2009 as a mentor. I saw him/her as an enemy, someone trying to push me off the edge or drown me. I felt nervous and offended. "Why can't I just get my footing? Why won't you LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to do this anymore." But 2009 never left my side. Whenever I felt my wings flapping frantically, 2009 put me on his/her back for a moment until I gathered my bearings. I didn't like when he/she put me right back on that cliff but each time I opened my wings, I stayed in the air a little longer.
2009, you've trained me well. You've forced me to face my fears. You caused me look at my wings and understand I am equipped to fly. I have the necessary tools for magnificent flight. You have prepared me for flight but I must decide if I will soar. I thank you for this challenge and I love you for it.
*
This is a year I will never forget. A full year of firsts - unemployment, writer's block, heartburn, facing my personal & professional insecurities, producers' interest followed by lack of follow-through to meeting almost every producer I've ever wanted to meet, pitching at my first festival, planning my family reunion, staying with my father for the first time, pitching my material, solidifying my creative team, casting my projects, and opening my heart to opportunities to grow, love, relate, collaborate, and discover my purpose on this planet. Wow! 2009, you turned my world upside down. I hope that I have done you proud. I will take your lessons and meet 2010 with wide eyes and my heart open. And yes I know, 2010 won't allow me to hold its hand but hopefully he/she'll have a sturdy back in case I need to jump up there for a moment! :)
Thank you for everything.
Love Always,
Kristen Victoria
I hope this reaches everyone in great spirits. The holiday season is one of reflection and reunion, but can also be a time of hardship and heavy hearts. It is my sincere hope that you all feel loved, appreciated, and supported all year round. I am sending positive energy, health, happiness, creativity and joy to each of you.
We are 13 days away from 2010!!! A new beginning, a fresh start, a kick in the heineken and I LOVE IT. My dream sheet has been fine-tuned into a precise goal list, and I'm ready to just bust through the '10 wall. I've had many conversations with my 2009, and I am very happy that we have come to a place of harmony and understanding. It took us a good minute but I have worked with 2009 to resolve any feelings of uncertainty, confusion, and hostility. It is my pleasure to hug it out with 2009 and salute the year with a smile.
Recently, 2009 sat down with me and explained itself. It said, "You are a beautiful bird, and the time has come for you to spread your wings and fly. But if you have never used your wings to soar, we must stretch and prepare them. That preparation can leave you feeling sore and uncomfortable because you've never used your wings before. These are foreign movements. You may want to lay down because the stretching hurts so much, but you've already started the workout so it's best that you struggle through it. You've gotten stronger and stronger but instead of focusing on the growth, you focused on the pain. You told me your wings looked and felt different. You said you didn't fit in with the baby birds and they made fun of your black and blue wings. You wanted to look, feel and act as you did in the past. You questioned if you should get back in the nest with the other baby birds, but it was too late. You had already opened your mouth and expressed to me that you wanted to fly. I'm going to see to it that you learn how to fly with ease, grace, and most importantly, the feeling of freedom. Once you become comfortable with our training, you will feel more willing to fly alone, and then you'll grow into comfort and finally confidence. This is the only way we can fly. We have to learn."
I looked at 2009 and cried, but this time I cried happy tears. Through my training process, I never thought of 2009 as a mentor. I saw him/her as an enemy, someone trying to push me off the edge or drown me. I felt nervous and offended. "Why can't I just get my footing? Why won't you LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to do this anymore." But 2009 never left my side. Whenever I felt my wings flapping frantically, 2009 put me on his/her back for a moment until I gathered my bearings. I didn't like when he/she put me right back on that cliff but each time I opened my wings, I stayed in the air a little longer.
2009, you've trained me well. You've forced me to face my fears. You caused me look at my wings and understand I am equipped to fly. I have the necessary tools for magnificent flight. You have prepared me for flight but I must decide if I will soar. I thank you for this challenge and I love you for it.
*
This is a year I will never forget. A full year of firsts - unemployment, writer's block, heartburn, facing my personal & professional insecurities, producers' interest followed by lack of follow-through to meeting almost every producer I've ever wanted to meet, pitching at my first festival, planning my family reunion, staying with my father for the first time, pitching my material, solidifying my creative team, casting my projects, and opening my heart to opportunities to grow, love, relate, collaborate, and discover my purpose on this planet. Wow! 2009, you turned my world upside down. I hope that I have done you proud. I will take your lessons and meet 2010 with wide eyes and my heart open. And yes I know, 2010 won't allow me to hold its hand but hopefully he/she'll have a sturdy back in case I need to jump up there for a moment! :)
Thank you for everything.
Love Always,
Kristen Victoria
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The 'Crossover' Chronicles of Kris - 12/3/09
Hey Family,
I'm back. It's been too long. I've missed you. Within the last month, enough people have inspired me to get off my duff & back to the Chronicles. Thank you for allowing me to have your eyes. Thank you for your words of encouragement, as I, too, continue to journey through this thing called life. Because of this cycle of transition and transformation, I found myself wondering if I was doing the 'whoa is me' dance - taking you through too many dips and turns without any Cha Cha slides. I, secretly or not so secretly, love to make people laugh and I was upset I wasn't chuckling. I was really mad I didn't find my growing and changing funny; that I no longer wanted to wrap my experiences up by 'finding the lesson.' So I shut up for a minute and did my 'where's my life going' quandery silently.
Of course, that question plagues each and every one of us daily. I, however, literally cannot escape what seems to be my path. I had pretty much stopped writing altogether for these past two months and in November, I was hit with multiple dreams, meetings, and once in a lifetime debacles. I am being shaken around to the point where I have to fight for my voice. I have no choice but to continue shouting from the rooftops - I HAVE SOMETHNG TO SAY. And it's also been made very clear, that I can either sit around and think about what I wanna do and where I wanna go...or I can just, DUH, do it!!!
Before every road trip, my mother and I bow our heads and say, 'Lord, you are the pilot. I am merely the co-pilot. Please get us to and from safely & soundly. Amen.' We expect to reach our destination unharmed, knowing that God has wrapped His wings around our car. When I travel in planes, I think of Him holding our aircraft, the way that kids direct their toys through the air. It helps unnerve me because I have a fear of flying.
Well...I am currently staring my goals and fear of the unknown in the face so...ahem, here goes -
'Lord, you are the writer, the producer, the director. I am merely the co-writer, co-producer, co-director. Please work through me each and every day as I finish the final draft of this screenplay, begin casting, and seeing these projects through. Please allow me to think, speak, walk with confidence, and share my message and creativity. Amen.'
I love the last month of the year because it's two-fold: the last lap (although this is a cyclical thing, we really don't start a new but it's nice to think along these lines) and the pre-start to the start. It's like brushing your teeth and tying up your shoes before a good morning run. 2010 - here we come! So I'm dedicated to finishing this year with zest, allowing the unknown to encourage me as opposed to plague me. I'm starting the new year with a sense of determination, focus, willingness, openness, and hunger because the only thing that remains the same is change. Constant growth, forward movement, and uphill climbing! My legs may get sore but I can always take a deep breath, regroup, and keep climbing. No looking back!
So 2009, you have blessed me with lots of lessons, mileage, new friends, and more stories to share. And I'm thankful to continue learning and LAUGHING and finding more about the stuff I'm made of.
*
IF YOU'RE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA, COME TO 'THE BLUE CONGLOMERATE - VIDEO PREMIERE & NETWORKING EVENT' AT KATRA LOUNGE, 217 BOWERY. HOSTED BY JAZZIDREAMER ENTERTAINMENT & IFILL EVENTS!
*
Love & Hugs for Days,
Kris
P.S. Dang, I just realized the 'Chronicles' turns 2 tomorrow. :)
I'm back. It's been too long. I've missed you. Within the last month, enough people have inspired me to get off my duff & back to the Chronicles. Thank you for allowing me to have your eyes. Thank you for your words of encouragement, as I, too, continue to journey through this thing called life. Because of this cycle of transition and transformation, I found myself wondering if I was doing the 'whoa is me' dance - taking you through too many dips and turns without any Cha Cha slides. I, secretly or not so secretly, love to make people laugh and I was upset I wasn't chuckling. I was really mad I didn't find my growing and changing funny; that I no longer wanted to wrap my experiences up by 'finding the lesson.' So I shut up for a minute and did my 'where's my life going' quandery silently.
Of course, that question plagues each and every one of us daily. I, however, literally cannot escape what seems to be my path. I had pretty much stopped writing altogether for these past two months and in November, I was hit with multiple dreams, meetings, and once in a lifetime debacles. I am being shaken around to the point where I have to fight for my voice. I have no choice but to continue shouting from the rooftops - I HAVE SOMETHNG TO SAY. And it's also been made very clear, that I can either sit around and think about what I wanna do and where I wanna go...or I can just, DUH, do it!!!
Before every road trip, my mother and I bow our heads and say, 'Lord, you are the pilot. I am merely the co-pilot. Please get us to and from safely & soundly. Amen.' We expect to reach our destination unharmed, knowing that God has wrapped His wings around our car. When I travel in planes, I think of Him holding our aircraft, the way that kids direct their toys through the air. It helps unnerve me because I have a fear of flying.
Well...I am currently staring my goals and fear of the unknown in the face so...ahem, here goes -
'Lord, you are the writer, the producer, the director. I am merely the co-writer, co-producer, co-director. Please work through me each and every day as I finish the final draft of this screenplay, begin casting, and seeing these projects through. Please allow me to think, speak, walk with confidence, and share my message and creativity. Amen.'
I love the last month of the year because it's two-fold: the last lap (although this is a cyclical thing, we really don't start a new but it's nice to think along these lines) and the pre-start to the start. It's like brushing your teeth and tying up your shoes before a good morning run. 2010 - here we come! So I'm dedicated to finishing this year with zest, allowing the unknown to encourage me as opposed to plague me. I'm starting the new year with a sense of determination, focus, willingness, openness, and hunger because the only thing that remains the same is change. Constant growth, forward movement, and uphill climbing! My legs may get sore but I can always take a deep breath, regroup, and keep climbing. No looking back!
So 2009, you have blessed me with lots of lessons, mileage, new friends, and more stories to share. And I'm thankful to continue learning and LAUGHING and finding more about the stuff I'm made of.
*
IF YOU'RE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA, COME TO 'THE BLUE CONGLOMERATE - VIDEO PREMIERE & NETWORKING EVENT' AT KATRA LOUNGE, 217 BOWERY. HOSTED BY JAZZIDREAMER ENTERTAINMENT & IFILL EVENTS!
*
Love & Hugs for Days,
Kris
P.S. Dang, I just realized the 'Chronicles' turns 2 tomorrow. :)
The 'T-E-A-M' Chronicles of Kris - 10.14.09
Hey Good People,
How are you? It's been a while so I hope this email reaches everyone in a good place! I've been very good, happily occupied in work & play and starting the countdown for my 25th birthday party - NOVEMBER 21ST - that hopefully everyone can make. It's been months since I've seen most of you and I'd love to know how you're doing.
I just wanted to regroup with this sounding board because lately, I've been generally unmoved to write. Of course there's always funny things running through this head of mine but that's not the issue at hand; it's simply time to spend more energy supporting the 'we' as opposed to the 'I.'
Recently, a few close friends and I have spoken at length about dealing with relationships, mostly in regards to having the attention to tend to self and others versus needing to retreat and get our emotions together to then face the world and our loved ones again. Those interactions can be work, family, love, mentor to peer, or friend relationships but no matter how big or small, sometimes we need to just claim our moment to clear our heads and plant our feet again.
Now that we've entered the fourth quarter of the year - and thank the Lord I am finishing strong cause I wasn't so sure about this year a few months ago - I feel like 2009 has been the year of relating: understanding myself in relation to the world and others. I have continually repeated this to myself as I've experienced various highs and lows and highs again, exposed self-criticisms and greatnesses, and discovered more of what I want from myself and what I hope for in this life. Growth is not always comfortable but I am getting used to squirming, asking even more questions than I have posed to you, and making the most of every moment given.
All in all, I am deeply appreciative for all of you. I am so excited that quite a few of you have connected in ways that have changed lives, and I can only hope that we use this circle for the betterment of each other. I desire less to use this forum to speak about myself, and more as a support to encourage each other's growth and providing a universal sounding board. I am currently moving through how to best utilize this awesome community. Hopefully we can do so as I continually reach out and email-harass most of you on a weekly basis. :)
If I have not spoken to you in a while, please please please write back (not reply all!) and let me know what's been going on in your life. I know everyone's transitioning, so please let me know if there's anything I can do to lend a helping hand.
Peace and Love Always!!!
XOXO
Kristen Victoria
How are you? It's been a while so I hope this email reaches everyone in a good place! I've been very good, happily occupied in work & play and starting the countdown for my 25th birthday party - NOVEMBER 21ST - that hopefully everyone can make. It's been months since I've seen most of you and I'd love to know how you're doing.
I just wanted to regroup with this sounding board because lately, I've been generally unmoved to write. Of course there's always funny things running through this head of mine but that's not the issue at hand; it's simply time to spend more energy supporting the 'we' as opposed to the 'I.'
Recently, a few close friends and I have spoken at length about dealing with relationships, mostly in regards to having the attention to tend to self and others versus needing to retreat and get our emotions together to then face the world and our loved ones again. Those interactions can be work, family, love, mentor to peer, or friend relationships but no matter how big or small, sometimes we need to just claim our moment to clear our heads and plant our feet again.
Now that we've entered the fourth quarter of the year - and thank the Lord I am finishing strong cause I wasn't so sure about this year a few months ago - I feel like 2009 has been the year of relating: understanding myself in relation to the world and others. I have continually repeated this to myself as I've experienced various highs and lows and highs again, exposed self-criticisms and greatnesses, and discovered more of what I want from myself and what I hope for in this life. Growth is not always comfortable but I am getting used to squirming, asking even more questions than I have posed to you, and making the most of every moment given.
All in all, I am deeply appreciative for all of you. I am so excited that quite a few of you have connected in ways that have changed lives, and I can only hope that we use this circle for the betterment of each other. I desire less to use this forum to speak about myself, and more as a support to encourage each other's growth and providing a universal sounding board. I am currently moving through how to best utilize this awesome community. Hopefully we can do so as I continually reach out and email-harass most of you on a weekly basis. :)
If I have not spoken to you in a while, please please please write back (not reply all!) and let me know what's been going on in your life. I know everyone's transitioning, so please let me know if there's anything I can do to lend a helping hand.
Peace and Love Always!!!
XOXO
Kristen Victoria
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