Hi Family,
August has been a great time of preparation. No matter how far my college graduation date drifts away, September will always be 'back to school' time, another reminder to get things right in the Fall 2011-Spring 2012 academic calendar year. I didn't have a summer break but I have gotten time to uncover more of my deeper goals as it pertains to life.
I get most excited about being creative but lately I've added a new prayer of vulnerability into the mix. Talking about work has become my 'go to' conversation because that's where my comfort lies. I feel very at ease with the flow of my creative journey but let someone ask about my personal life and I get giggly or start to talk fast, usually ending with an 'I Don't Know.' :)
I do not remember the last time I spoke to my father on the phone or in person. I'm actually trying to jog my memory right this second and I can't quite picture our last outing. For those who do not know, my father has lived in Los Angeles most of my life and ha, of course lives less than 5 freeway exits from me now. Even with this physical closeness, nothing has really changed. We saw each other a few times at the beginning of the year and hit some bumps so I just dropped it because I wasn't interested in being an emotional mess and clouding all the other clear progressions in my life.
So that's been it...
My father began texting me two weeks ago. I wasn't quite sure why. Maybe he noticed that my little brother and I had become Facebook friends. Or maybe he received my email blast that Born to Dance is now on the air. I had no idea why he began asking questions about my whereabouts. But after a few days worth of texts, I asked if we could meet. He seemed thrilled about that so he invited me to go bowling.
So on Saturday, I had a first. I bowled with my father and had a great time laughing and joking. I brought a friend along and he brought two of his family friends who were around my age. There were lots of thoughts running through my mind that night. Mostly that I have a really difficult time looking at him for longer than 4 seconds, and that I turn my body away instinctively. It's interesting observing myself while actually in the moment, learning a new side that I don't even know of myself and understanding that even while being pleasant, I've definitely built a wall. I recognize the complexities of repair, and I wonder if I'm willing to walk down that road. Secretly or not so secretly, I gave a silent ultimatum...if he came around by April, I'd consider it but if not, I'm not sure I can keep reopening a huge wound.
However, I did think of something else. Am I or have I held people hostage with the ways they used to be as opposed to the ways that they are? Do I have it in me to start anew? Have I given someone the cold shoulder to avoid being bruised? I realize I've developed terms of engagement and relationships don't work that way.
So for now, I'll take each moment as it comes. I really enjoyed the outing. Period. But I realize how nervous I am of being critiqued and picked apart, knowing that he probably feels the exact same way. The friendships and family relationships that have stood the test of time have remained unbreakable because of unconditional love; the ability to be completely unedited and have that person love you for you. The reasons I enjoy speaking about 'work' is because I haven't made moves that I'm embarrassed about (yet). But maybe in my personal life, I've done or said things that make me look really silly, or really open, or really mean. But I strive for unedited relationships in every area of my life. I don't strive for perfection in any area, I just desire excellence. And being my best self includes not leaving out details for fear someone won't like what I have to say and in turn, walk away. So if I'm distant, that's probably why...I'm afraid I'm gonna say something and my father (or said person) won't fight for me...but heck, I actually do walk away from him. Epiphany. I am working on breaking down my walls so that perhaps when our hearts are prepared, we can break through a wall together.
After my outing with my father, I sent this to my best friend:
Thank you for allowing me to be 'unedited' with you all of these years. I hope that I have been the same for you, and if I have not than I deeply apologize. I pray for you everyday, that you will feel free to live and be whatever your heart desires. I understand why we are and have always been friends. I am blessed to have you and others in my corner that I truly feel at home with wherever I am. Somewhere along the way we get lost in trying to be heroes for others and I thank you for just loving and accepting me for me.
So with that said, I thank you for allowing me to share with you. And I truly truly hope you'll continue sharing with me. Here's to breaking down walls so we can see rainbows and feel the sunshine that's here for us all.
Love Always,
Kristen Victoria
