Good Morning Family,
It feels sooo good to be back home in New Jersey! Normally, I am not this excited to return to Brick City but I got my fill of Newton, Georgia to last me for a good minute. The family reunion was a success, despite the torrential downpours that lasted ALL damn weekend! I was a little disappointed because I'm sure it detered people from driving on the muddy dirty roads but as the ol' folks continue to say - "It's gon' be what it's gon' be!"
On the "big day," my family and I got the opportunity to tour the family land that was owned by my great-great-great grandfather. The current owners, an elderly Caucasian couple, took us around the acres to see the old outhouse and cabin that are still standing, along with the bricks that enclosed the old family house. It was truly a breathtaking experience to walk along the land that my ancestors tilled and plowed. I could not imagine escaping slavery, sharecropping, working to purchase 250 acres, and then raising 13 children on top of that. Wow weee, we don't know the half when it comes to sacrifice.
A few of my older cousins hadn't been on that land since they were 5 years old, and they were reminded of their childhood experiences once they saw two specific trees. Sometimes it can be just a sweet smell that centers us, quiets our thoughts, or brings us back to where we originated. And when you drive down those dirtroads, the tires kick up dust and for a moment you can't see behind you but once nature's calmed back down, everything is exactly as you left it.
During the preparation for the reunion, I had several epiphanies. One was that I need to turn more of my self-analyzations into actions so I spent alot of time revamping my dream sheet for the 2nd half of the year. But the major one was that when loved ones are really truly there for you, you could be going through a whirlwind of emotions and situations but when everything comes back down, the 'tried and true" ones are ALWAYS standing when it's all said and done.
I was originally supposed to fly back home on May 30th but because of some personal plans going bust, I decided to "take the L" and come on back with my mom and uncle. I must have thought I was gonna be whisked away to a tropical island or something because Lord knows I brought ALL my summer clothes and shoes. But thankfully, my mom didn't rub it in, none of my friends made me feel stupid for hoping that this situation would work out and you don't know how grateful I am for that! I'm not all boo-hooing and carrying on like I was two months ago. But we all Learn and Listen in due time. And if it's meant to be it will be, but if not it's ok. So there's no loss involved.
And on that note ladies & gents, it's time to shake it around so I'll talk to you all soon!
XOXO,
Kristen Victoria
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The 'Good Stock' Chronicles of Kris - 05/26/09
Hey All,
I tried to send this while I was 'down home' but I couldn't get good service on my phone. Enjoy!
***
Welcome to Baker County, home of Newton, Georgia, where my great-great-great grandfather settled after escaping slavery, where my great-great grandmother learned to read, quilt, and fish, where my great-uncle raised chickens and healed sick animals, and where my entire family still comes to walk the old dirt roads and taste the love cooked by my great-grandmother, affectionately known as 'Aunt Nan' and 'Mom.' There's absolutely nothing like R&R that you get when traveling home...There's a good 36 hours til the card playing and egg nog drinking begins at my Family Reunion and I can't wait! My grandmother has done a phenomenal job orchestrating EVERYTHING - I did the initial planning but she's the one making it all happen.
As the time winds down, I'm reminded of the 'stock' that I have come from and why I am who I am. Why I love to write, play games, get folks together, and why I still feel like the baby - it just makes all the sense in the world.
My great-grandmother and her best friend Sallie Mae have been close for almost 80 years. I surprised her the other day at the market because we noticed her car in front of Dollar General. The town is so small and Aunt Sallie Mae is so well-respected that when she goes out to the post office or the market, she gives an employee a list of what she needs and they take care of it for her. When my grandmother and I walked up on Aunt Sallie Mae, she instantaneously brought up the same beloved story we run through every time I see her...
When I was around 6 years old, Aunt Sallie Mae watched me while my great-grandmother went on a fishing trip. I wanted to play outside or walk down the road to the mailbox but I pouted when she told me 'no.' So I sat around coloring or doing something else that bored me half to death and then she asked me to pour her a glass of water. And I did...and then I did again...and then I did again! Around the 3rd or 4th time she asked me to get up, I turned around and said, 'You must be on a water diet.' She died laughing.Now that I am older, that's a going joke because she knew that was my 'polite' indicator of saying 'No, I really don't want to get your water' OR 'If I go again, I'm bringing the whole pitcher.' So now when I see her, she tells me automatically, 'Baby, go get me some water' or I'll ask if she wants some and she chuckles.
There's also a similar story of my great-aunt babysitting me at 1.5 years old and demanding I go to bed and not wait up for my great-grandmother. When I peeked out of my bedroom a 2nd or 3rd time, she threatened to get a switch and I glared at her and walked back to my bed. But when Mom came home, I crawled out of bed and to the living room and started to 'tell Mom all about what happened' in my jibber-jabber language. And my great-aunt said, "Well shoot, I am so glad I didn't hit that baby cause she would have never forgiven me the way she's going off. That child is independent." My Aunt Mabel shared that story with me about three weeks before she passed last Memorial Day weekend.
I wish more kids and even people my age had these kinds of experiences with elder loved ones. It just makes everything so much more meaningful. I feel Granny (my great-great grandmother) is my guardian angel because sometimes I just get myself in a real pickle, and then all of a sudden I've escaped it and learned my lesson without seriously busting my behind and getting the real hardcore lesson! And right after I've somehow avoided the fire, I'm always yelling out, "Thank you!!!" cause it could have been a different way.
I'm excited to see everyone and share in the love and laughter that was created in Newton.
Have a wonderful holiday weekend!
Love
Kris
I tried to send this while I was 'down home' but I couldn't get good service on my phone. Enjoy!
***
Welcome to Baker County, home of Newton, Georgia, where my great-great-great grandfather settled after escaping slavery, where my great-great grandmother learned to read, quilt, and fish, where my great-uncle raised chickens and healed sick animals, and where my entire family still comes to walk the old dirt roads and taste the love cooked by my great-grandmother, affectionately known as 'Aunt Nan' and 'Mom.' There's absolutely nothing like R&R that you get when traveling home...There's a good 36 hours til the card playing and egg nog drinking begins at my Family Reunion and I can't wait! My grandmother has done a phenomenal job orchestrating EVERYTHING - I did the initial planning but she's the one making it all happen.
As the time winds down, I'm reminded of the 'stock' that I have come from and why I am who I am. Why I love to write, play games, get folks together, and why I still feel like the baby - it just makes all the sense in the world.
My great-grandmother and her best friend Sallie Mae have been close for almost 80 years. I surprised her the other day at the market because we noticed her car in front of Dollar General. The town is so small and Aunt Sallie Mae is so well-respected that when she goes out to the post office or the market, she gives an employee a list of what she needs and they take care of it for her. When my grandmother and I walked up on Aunt Sallie Mae, she instantaneously brought up the same beloved story we run through every time I see her...
When I was around 6 years old, Aunt Sallie Mae watched me while my great-grandmother went on a fishing trip. I wanted to play outside or walk down the road to the mailbox but I pouted when she told me 'no.' So I sat around coloring or doing something else that bored me half to death and then she asked me to pour her a glass of water. And I did...and then I did again...and then I did again! Around the 3rd or 4th time she asked me to get up, I turned around and said, 'You must be on a water diet.' She died laughing.Now that I am older, that's a going joke because she knew that was my 'polite' indicator of saying 'No, I really don't want to get your water' OR 'If I go again, I'm bringing the whole pitcher.' So now when I see her, she tells me automatically, 'Baby, go get me some water' or I'll ask if she wants some and she chuckles.
There's also a similar story of my great-aunt babysitting me at 1.5 years old and demanding I go to bed and not wait up for my great-grandmother. When I peeked out of my bedroom a 2nd or 3rd time, she threatened to get a switch and I glared at her and walked back to my bed. But when Mom came home, I crawled out of bed and to the living room and started to 'tell Mom all about what happened' in my jibber-jabber language. And my great-aunt said, "Well shoot, I am so glad I didn't hit that baby cause she would have never forgiven me the way she's going off. That child is independent." My Aunt Mabel shared that story with me about three weeks before she passed last Memorial Day weekend.
I wish more kids and even people my age had these kinds of experiences with elder loved ones. It just makes everything so much more meaningful. I feel Granny (my great-great grandmother) is my guardian angel because sometimes I just get myself in a real pickle, and then all of a sudden I've escaped it and learned my lesson without seriously busting my behind and getting the real hardcore lesson! And right after I've somehow avoided the fire, I'm always yelling out, "Thank you!!!" cause it could have been a different way.
I'm excited to see everyone and share in the love and laughter that was created in Newton.
Have a wonderful holiday weekend!
Love
Kris
Friday, May 15, 2009
The "World Outside My Window" Chronicles of Kris - 05/15/09
I tend not to comment on the crazy goings on that I read about in the supermarket or on Twitter but I'm itchin' to say something. Here are the top stories to catch my attention:
*Jon and Kate Plus 8 may become -Jon and Kate SEPARATE?*
Did you notice that Kate NEVER looks adoringly at her husband Jon EVER? Lol. Well I probably wouldn't either if I had a permanent Basketball team with subs running, crying, pooping, and shouting all damn day. Do they even have time to think? And furthermore, would they be together naturally if they didn't have to raise a tribe? I bet not!
So, it looks like Jon is sowing his wild oats with drunken nights on the town. Kate publicly addressed this, and said they are working things out privately. That probably means Kate beating him over the head with baby bottles, and telling him he's useless. I mean she does that anyway.
I'm watching the show now...and here she goes, 'Would you just talk to them, Jon?!?'
Are they even friends?
*Girls Gone Wild: Cassie and Rihanna 'flashy' the world*
So by now you've seen or heard about Cassie and Rihanna's nudey pics. This news doesn't shock or upset me in any way - I mean, Cassie doesn't rate in my book at all so I didn't even bother to even find out more about her story BUT Rihanna honey...2009 is just not your year! Remember when she was the sweetie pie Aaliyah (RIP) rip off with Pon De Replay? Then, they took her image up five notches, gave her some Black hair dye, tattoos, and bigger boobs to match and voila! And don't forget a Southern boy to tame. Volia - RIHANNA'S a wild gal!
Aaah, how'd it all fall so fast?
One point of advice - you need a manager like Papa Knowles who's always ready to cut a n#*/@ or a b+@*#, whatever suits the scenario best. That Matthew Knowles (Beyonce's dad) definitely does not play!!! Let a light cue be a second too late - You're toast!
Here's another idea - maybe it's almost time for a tell all book from Robyn Fenty. Shrug
*Obama Swagger?!?*
Do we really need a swag-o-meter for Barack? I just wanna know why TI's Swagger Like Us plays every so often on CNN. Lol.
*CW's The Game*
Does anyone else care like I care. The season finale of CW's The Game is on tonight, ladies and gentlemen!!!! Who's watching? Just thought I'd insert the plug. Cause the creator Mara Brock Akil is a friend in my head. So with that said, good day to all!
I know I'm a geek but I'm gonna say it any way -Follow me @ twitter.com/kristenvcarter & YouTube 'The Chronicles of Kris' for behind the scenes clips of the web series coming this Summer! :)
Love ya'll!
*Jon and Kate Plus 8 may become -Jon and Kate SEPARATE?*
Did you notice that Kate NEVER looks adoringly at her husband Jon EVER? Lol. Well I probably wouldn't either if I had a permanent Basketball team with subs running, crying, pooping, and shouting all damn day. Do they even have time to think? And furthermore, would they be together naturally if they didn't have to raise a tribe? I bet not!
So, it looks like Jon is sowing his wild oats with drunken nights on the town. Kate publicly addressed this, and said they are working things out privately. That probably means Kate beating him over the head with baby bottles, and telling him he's useless. I mean she does that anyway.
I'm watching the show now...and here she goes, 'Would you just talk to them, Jon?!?'
Are they even friends?
*Girls Gone Wild: Cassie and Rihanna 'flashy' the world*
So by now you've seen or heard about Cassie and Rihanna's nudey pics. This news doesn't shock or upset me in any way - I mean, Cassie doesn't rate in my book at all so I didn't even bother to even find out more about her story BUT Rihanna honey...2009 is just not your year! Remember when she was the sweetie pie Aaliyah (RIP) rip off with Pon De Replay? Then, they took her image up five notches, gave her some Black hair dye, tattoos, and bigger boobs to match and voila! And don't forget a Southern boy to tame. Volia - RIHANNA'S a wild gal!
Aaah, how'd it all fall so fast?
One point of advice - you need a manager like Papa Knowles who's always ready to cut a n#*/@ or a b+@*#, whatever suits the scenario best. That Matthew Knowles (Beyonce's dad) definitely does not play!!! Let a light cue be a second too late - You're toast!
Here's another idea - maybe it's almost time for a tell all book from Robyn Fenty. Shrug
*Obama Swagger?!?*
Do we really need a swag-o-meter for Barack? I just wanna know why TI's Swagger Like Us plays every so often on CNN. Lol.
*CW's The Game*
Does anyone else care like I care. The season finale of CW's The Game is on tonight, ladies and gentlemen!!!! Who's watching? Just thought I'd insert the plug. Cause the creator Mara Brock Akil is a friend in my head. So with that said, good day to all!
I know I'm a geek but I'm gonna say it any way -Follow me @ twitter.com/kristenvcarter & YouTube 'The Chronicles of Kris' for behind the scenes clips of the web series coming this Summer! :)
Love ya'll!
The 'SexyBack' Chronicles of Kris - 05/15/09
Sometimes I feel bashful within myself, actually more so than sharing the hilarity that is my life. Funny thing happens - I begin to embrace more of my quirkiness when I finally type it out on the Blackberry and hit send. (*MESSAGE: I NEED AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL!) So without further adieu...
Good Morning,Greetings from Atlanta, GA. There's only a week left before the big shindig AKA McAllister-Washington-Phipps Family Reunion. Let's throw our peaches in the air! :)
I came into town a few days early for my cousin's bachelorette party. Being that I had never attended one, I had absolutely no idea what to expect so I invited one other friend/Chronicler to join in the festivities. I knew there'd be a male dancer but even up until I walked up to the door, I thought 'What on Earth do you do at a Bachelorette party?' I arrived about an hour late so my cousin and her guests were already playing a game by the time I walked in. So I came in on, 'I hate being Sexy because...' and then the person had to complete the sentence. Now, I didn't hear the rules properly so instantly, I froze up. Awwwww damn! Do we have to talk about anything with those letters?
Ok, so yes most of us are adults here but I am a self-proclaimed girlwoman, hear me roar! *Sigh* I've been told I am a late bloomer but I think I'm right on time...sometimes. Other days, I'm all nervous, like when I came in and all the women were laughing and giggling. Initially, I thought we had to come up with something we think IS sexy (like kinda naughty actually) so when it was my turn to go up, I just said something that's really completely and utterly untrue...if you ask me personally, I'll just tell ya but for the sake of internet privacy, I'll keep it to myself.
So anyway, my cousin and her friends who knew me were like, 'Is that Kristen?' and I'm thinking, 'Girl, no...I am lying my ass off. I don't know a thing about what I just said.' So because I was fearful of being embarassed (actually more like a deer caught in headlights), I made up something that made me MORE embarassed once I realized I was playing the wrong game! Aaaah well... It happens.
I'm sure no one else cared about my response but I felt kind of red for another 30 minutes. 'Oh my goodness, I just said something that I don't really don't believe.' Well guess what Kristen, it happens. So the night continued on with all these dancing games and male dancing fun...and all I wondered was what my friends and I would look like at a bachelorette party now and then in 7 years cause of course I was the baby of the bunch just dancing and having people think I'm all skilled and everything, when I'm a pretty reserved person until Victoria Fierce is let out of the bag. Sigh.
So it was fun but really, I should have just been myself and answered that first question simply instead of TRYING TOO HARD and feeling like I had to lie and give an extreme line (which actually wasn't even that risque but in my head, it was. LOL). Sometimes - no MOST times - being natural, just as you are without a care, is sexy enough no matter what the setting. So once that mentality truly sinks in in regards to more intimate matters of the heart, body, and soul, I'll be good. What can I say...I'm getting there. I'm a work in progress. And that, my friends, is the truth.
It's been real,
Kris
Good Morning,Greetings from Atlanta, GA. There's only a week left before the big shindig AKA McAllister-Washington-Phipps Family Reunion. Let's throw our peaches in the air! :)
I came into town a few days early for my cousin's bachelorette party. Being that I had never attended one, I had absolutely no idea what to expect so I invited one other friend/Chronicler to join in the festivities. I knew there'd be a male dancer but even up until I walked up to the door, I thought 'What on Earth do you do at a Bachelorette party?' I arrived about an hour late so my cousin and her guests were already playing a game by the time I walked in. So I came in on, 'I hate being Sexy because...' and then the person had to complete the sentence. Now, I didn't hear the rules properly so instantly, I froze up. Awwwww damn! Do we have to talk about anything with those letters?
Ok, so yes most of us are adults here but I am a self-proclaimed girlwoman, hear me roar! *Sigh* I've been told I am a late bloomer but I think I'm right on time...sometimes. Other days, I'm all nervous, like when I came in and all the women were laughing and giggling. Initially, I thought we had to come up with something we think IS sexy (like kinda naughty actually) so when it was my turn to go up, I just said something that's really completely and utterly untrue...if you ask me personally, I'll just tell ya but for the sake of internet privacy, I'll keep it to myself.
So anyway, my cousin and her friends who knew me were like, 'Is that Kristen?' and I'm thinking, 'Girl, no...I am lying my ass off. I don't know a thing about what I just said.' So because I was fearful of being embarassed (actually more like a deer caught in headlights), I made up something that made me MORE embarassed once I realized I was playing the wrong game! Aaaah well... It happens.
I'm sure no one else cared about my response but I felt kind of red for another 30 minutes. 'Oh my goodness, I just said something that I don't really don't believe.' Well guess what Kristen, it happens. So the night continued on with all these dancing games and male dancing fun...and all I wondered was what my friends and I would look like at a bachelorette party now and then in 7 years cause of course I was the baby of the bunch just dancing and having people think I'm all skilled and everything, when I'm a pretty reserved person until Victoria Fierce is let out of the bag. Sigh.
So it was fun but really, I should have just been myself and answered that first question simply instead of TRYING TOO HARD and feeling like I had to lie and give an extreme line (which actually wasn't even that risque but in my head, it was. LOL). Sometimes - no MOST times - being natural, just as you are without a care, is sexy enough no matter what the setting. So once that mentality truly sinks in in regards to more intimate matters of the heart, body, and soul, I'll be good. What can I say...I'm getting there. I'm a work in progress. And that, my friends, is the truth.
It's been real,
Kris
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
The "In Search Of" Chronicles of Kris - 05/05/09
Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hopefully the May Showers will create May Flowers cause I'm ready for some blossoms and heat! Muy Caliente AHORA!! :)
Last week I spoke at two colleges about "life after graduation." I love presenting at schools because I vividly remember being in their seats, raising my hand to ask questions and to connect with said speaker, only to reflect on their answers afterwards and understand that no one has "the answer." And yes, I still inquire, hoping to somehow break the code and get hit upside the head every time with the same conclusion. Our answers lie within...
Many students keep in touch with me but one young lady from last week's sessions really stood out. She approached me after the presentation, very meek and softspoken. I asked her to speak up so that I could hear what she was saying. She explained how much she loves to write but how terrified she is to show her work. As she continued talking, I could see tears forming as she vented about her inability to pursue her passion and share her writing with others. I was very touched by this moment, and asked if I could interrupt her thought for a brief second. I thanked her for first of all, sharing her deepest thoughts and fears with me. I was truly truly humbled to have been selected to hear her...and secondly, I congratulated her for making the first step of vocalizing her desires. No matter how much she shook with fear, she was still standing there and telling her story! Something triggered her to say what she had to say, no matter how softly - SHE SAID IT! I offered my own trials and tribulations briefly, and asked her to stay in touch with me, continue writing, and send along some writing whenever the Spirit moves her. I won't comment on it, I just want her to send something. The act of presenting herself, myself, yourself is really all that matters. The belief that what we have to say means something, and that we have the power to uplift ourselves and others in the process.
Life is funny...because I saw myself in her although I was giving her advice. It's sooo amazing how that happens. It's like one side of yourself talking to the other side of yourself OUTSIDE of yourself. Dog on it, God is great!!! I explained briefly that in ways, I experience the same anxiety but you know who creates that anxiety - we do. And you know who creates the freedom we all seem to long for - we do. I've been reading alot of "Metaphysical" books lately and understanding how important it is to hone in on what we want. And even if we are not sure, instead of stating "I don't know what I want," flip it and say to yourself "I want to know what I want out of life, out of myself."
So here goes a few of my long list of desires: I want to know my emotional self. I want to be able to trust. I want to know my father. I want to get over past hurts. I want to experience love in all of its forms. I want to be around people who inspire me. I want to honor my creative voice. I want my eye sight to stabilize. (I know that one seems random but it's not. I have progressive myopia and since I'm becoming more specific in my desires, I must state those things I thought I could not control as well.) I have always known that what you think about you bring about, but it goes deeper than that WHEN we are ready. We're catalysts for our own growth because when we think, speak, and act, those circumstances are drawn to us. So within a week (cause this stuff moves FAAASSST), I forced myself to apply to a number of fellowships, I have accepted my father's daily phone calls (a new occurance, yes) and I am working toward clearing out my anger and disappointment, and I ran into a high school "frienemy" that I haven't seen or spoken to in six years. This time last year I wasn't ready to do any of that because my mindset was focused on all the things I could not achieve. "Well I'm over this but...oohhh, if I see her in the street...or you know, I just don't think I'll ever get to know my father...or what if my screenplay's not good enough?"
Where do we learn to doubt ourselves and give negativity power in the first place? We came here with such infinite power, and then we learned to fear greatness. I'm currently reading "Conversations with God" and this passage really struck me the other night -
"Every single free choice you ever undertake arises out of one of the only two possible thoughts there are: a thought of love or a thought of fear. Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy that expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes, Fear attacks, love amends."
So I have to ask myself - do I have more fear or love in my heart? Do I aspire to more love? Is my heart open enough to love? And will I stop at nothing to love?
Those are the questions, dear friends...life and love is there for us to experience when we are ready. We're just not looking or feeling or thinking freely enough. Hmmm, everyday is an awesome adventure...embrace it!
The Little Engine That Could and Will,
Kristen Victoria
Last week I spoke at two colleges about "life after graduation." I love presenting at schools because I vividly remember being in their seats, raising my hand to ask questions and to connect with said speaker, only to reflect on their answers afterwards and understand that no one has "the answer." And yes, I still inquire, hoping to somehow break the code and get hit upside the head every time with the same conclusion. Our answers lie within...
Many students keep in touch with me but one young lady from last week's sessions really stood out. She approached me after the presentation, very meek and softspoken. I asked her to speak up so that I could hear what she was saying. She explained how much she loves to write but how terrified she is to show her work. As she continued talking, I could see tears forming as she vented about her inability to pursue her passion and share her writing with others. I was very touched by this moment, and asked if I could interrupt her thought for a brief second. I thanked her for first of all, sharing her deepest thoughts and fears with me. I was truly truly humbled to have been selected to hear her...and secondly, I congratulated her for making the first step of vocalizing her desires. No matter how much she shook with fear, she was still standing there and telling her story! Something triggered her to say what she had to say, no matter how softly - SHE SAID IT! I offered my own trials and tribulations briefly, and asked her to stay in touch with me, continue writing, and send along some writing whenever the Spirit moves her. I won't comment on it, I just want her to send something. The act of presenting herself, myself, yourself is really all that matters. The belief that what we have to say means something, and that we have the power to uplift ourselves and others in the process.
Life is funny...because I saw myself in her although I was giving her advice. It's sooo amazing how that happens. It's like one side of yourself talking to the other side of yourself OUTSIDE of yourself. Dog on it, God is great!!! I explained briefly that in ways, I experience the same anxiety but you know who creates that anxiety - we do. And you know who creates the freedom we all seem to long for - we do. I've been reading alot of "Metaphysical" books lately and understanding how important it is to hone in on what we want. And even if we are not sure, instead of stating "I don't know what I want," flip it and say to yourself "I want to know what I want out of life, out of myself."
So here goes a few of my long list of desires: I want to know my emotional self. I want to be able to trust. I want to know my father. I want to get over past hurts. I want to experience love in all of its forms. I want to be around people who inspire me. I want to honor my creative voice. I want my eye sight to stabilize. (I know that one seems random but it's not. I have progressive myopia and since I'm becoming more specific in my desires, I must state those things I thought I could not control as well.) I have always known that what you think about you bring about, but it goes deeper than that WHEN we are ready. We're catalysts for our own growth because when we think, speak, and act, those circumstances are drawn to us. So within a week (cause this stuff moves FAAASSST), I forced myself to apply to a number of fellowships, I have accepted my father's daily phone calls (a new occurance, yes) and I am working toward clearing out my anger and disappointment, and I ran into a high school "frienemy" that I haven't seen or spoken to in six years. This time last year I wasn't ready to do any of that because my mindset was focused on all the things I could not achieve. "Well I'm over this but...oohhh, if I see her in the street...or you know, I just don't think I'll ever get to know my father...or what if my screenplay's not good enough?"
Where do we learn to doubt ourselves and give negativity power in the first place? We came here with such infinite power, and then we learned to fear greatness. I'm currently reading "Conversations with God" and this passage really struck me the other night -
"Every single free choice you ever undertake arises out of one of the only two possible thoughts there are: a thought of love or a thought of fear. Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy that expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes, Fear attacks, love amends."
So I have to ask myself - do I have more fear or love in my heart? Do I aspire to more love? Is my heart open enough to love? And will I stop at nothing to love?
Those are the questions, dear friends...life and love is there for us to experience when we are ready. We're just not looking or feeling or thinking freely enough. Hmmm, everyday is an awesome adventure...embrace it!
The Little Engine That Could and Will,
Kristen Victoria
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