Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hopefully the May Showers will create May Flowers cause I'm ready for some blossoms and heat! Muy Caliente AHORA!! :)
Last week I spoke at two colleges about "life after graduation." I love presenting at schools because I vividly remember being in their seats, raising my hand to ask questions and to connect with said speaker, only to reflect on their answers afterwards and understand that no one has "the answer." And yes, I still inquire, hoping to somehow break the code and get hit upside the head every time with the same conclusion. Our answers lie within...
Many students keep in touch with me but one young lady from last week's sessions really stood out. She approached me after the presentation, very meek and softspoken. I asked her to speak up so that I could hear what she was saying. She explained how much she loves to write but how terrified she is to show her work. As she continued talking, I could see tears forming as she vented about her inability to pursue her passion and share her writing with others. I was very touched by this moment, and asked if I could interrupt her thought for a brief second. I thanked her for first of all, sharing her deepest thoughts and fears with me. I was truly truly humbled to have been selected to hear her...and secondly, I congratulated her for making the first step of vocalizing her desires. No matter how much she shook with fear, she was still standing there and telling her story! Something triggered her to say what she had to say, no matter how softly - SHE SAID IT! I offered my own trials and tribulations briefly, and asked her to stay in touch with me, continue writing, and send along some writing whenever the Spirit moves her. I won't comment on it, I just want her to send something. The act of presenting herself, myself, yourself is really all that matters. The belief that what we have to say means something, and that we have the power to uplift ourselves and others in the process.
Life is funny...because I saw myself in her although I was giving her advice. It's sooo amazing how that happens. It's like one side of yourself talking to the other side of yourself OUTSIDE of yourself. Dog on it, God is great!!! I explained briefly that in ways, I experience the same anxiety but you know who creates that anxiety - we do. And you know who creates the freedom we all seem to long for - we do. I've been reading alot of "Metaphysical" books lately and understanding how important it is to hone in on what we want. And even if we are not sure, instead of stating "I don't know what I want," flip it and say to yourself "I want to know what I want out of life, out of myself."
So here goes a few of my long list of desires: I want to know my emotional self. I want to be able to trust. I want to know my father. I want to get over past hurts. I want to experience love in all of its forms. I want to be around people who inspire me. I want to honor my creative voice. I want my eye sight to stabilize. (I know that one seems random but it's not. I have progressive myopia and since I'm becoming more specific in my desires, I must state those things I thought I could not control as well.) I have always known that what you think about you bring about, but it goes deeper than that WHEN we are ready. We're catalysts for our own growth because when we think, speak, and act, those circumstances are drawn to us. So within a week (cause this stuff moves FAAASSST), I forced myself to apply to a number of fellowships, I have accepted my father's daily phone calls (a new occurance, yes) and I am working toward clearing out my anger and disappointment, and I ran into a high school "frienemy" that I haven't seen or spoken to in six years. This time last year I wasn't ready to do any of that because my mindset was focused on all the things I could not achieve. "Well I'm over this but...oohhh, if I see her in the street...or you know, I just don't think I'll ever get to know my father...or what if my screenplay's not good enough?"
Where do we learn to doubt ourselves and give negativity power in the first place? We came here with such infinite power, and then we learned to fear greatness. I'm currently reading "Conversations with God" and this passage really struck me the other night -
"Every single free choice you ever undertake arises out of one of the only two possible thoughts there are: a thought of love or a thought of fear. Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy that expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes, Fear attacks, love amends."
So I have to ask myself - do I have more fear or love in my heart? Do I aspire to more love? Is my heart open enough to love? And will I stop at nothing to love?
Those are the questions, dear friends...life and love is there for us to experience when we are ready. We're just not looking or feeling or thinking freely enough. Hmmm, everyday is an awesome adventure...embrace it!
The Little Engine That Could and Will,
Kristen Victoria
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