Hi Family,
Random KVC fact: I absolutely love 50 Cent.
There's something endearing about him. Under all that aggression lies a warm, fuzzy bear. I'm convinced.
Actually if you know me well, you'd know my obsession isn't all that random. I met 50 Cent eight years ago when I interned at BET. He was previewing the video for 'In Da Club,' his New Joint of the Day before 106 & Park. He hadn't seen the video yet so naturally, he was excited. I was seated behind him, snickering at his giddiness until he turned around and smiled at me. He thought I was just as thrilled to see the video and suddenly, I was. The moment his eyes met mine, I stopped and celebrated with him. I caught myself saying, 'Awww, congratulations.' At the end of the day, his car passed me as I walked to the train station. He rolled down his window and waved at me. I was shocked he bothered to remember, let alone acknowledge me, and I waved goodnight. He gained a fan that day...accidentally on purpose.
Fast forward eight years later and I own all of 50 Cent's albums, his photo book '50 X 50' and I've worked on a 50 Cent project. I'm fascinated by his mystique so I decided to also pick up his book 'The 50th Law,' which is co-written by Robert Greene, the author of 'The 48 Laws of Power.' The book is right up my alley - an examination of the way we process, analyze, and move through life.
The 50th Law is essentially 'fear nothing.' Greene breaks down 50's experiences and how he was able to move past the negative emotion of fear. Although many of the principles resonate with me, I am shocked that 50 did not even attempt to tackle the #1 downfall of them all - heartbreak (& the aftermath of picking up the pieces without fearing another bout of abandonment). I yelled about that as I read through each section. 'Uh huh, you're not going there. I know you're not touching love. Uh huh, next chapter.' Yes, he discusses how to properly position yourself in leadership roles amongst groups of people but he doesn't address one-on-one interaction directly at all...
50 has always presented himself as this unpenetrable monster, someone who shoots before you even get a chance to load your gun. He shields himself from all (love and) harm by isolating himself. Isolating himself and basking in the glory of money, power...and solitude. There is a difference between being along & lonely, but I doubt he really enjoys either one. Through the pain of losing his parents and false friends, he's learned to accept isolation because it's not beneficial to open your heart up, only for it to get stomped on. I feel you, 50. I do...but I can't live like that. I wanna see you with a woman. I wanna see your soft strength. It's only fair. 50, we all need love and cash can't hug you back. But I know you know this, and acknowledge this in your journal if not your book.
He says, "Understand: the real secret, the real formula for power in this world, lies in accepting the ugly reality that learning requires a process, and this in turn demands patience and the ability to endure drudge work." Since 50 refuses to touch on matters of the heart, I will. In my own life, I must accept that intimate relationships demand patience and the ability to endure the trials and tribulations that come with it. That means not giving up 'the goal' when you've 'failed.' That means taking experiences we'd label as good or bad, and make them neutral. They have shown up in our lives to catapult us to the next level, whether we realize it or not. Everyone has an agenda, and you must be clear about your own without losing yourself in trying to win or lose. What is winning or losing anyway? Sometimes things are removed so that you can make room for the real victory. In my life, I must remain in balance - understanding that at any moment, things could change for what appears to be the better or the worse. But in actuality, it's all for the greatness so I vow to experience fully but not dependently. My joys, my growths, my triumphs are not dependent on someone else's moves. However affected, I will never move fearfully.
I watch 50 Cent's new video 'Do You Think About Me' at least once a day. Besides the fact that I love the song, there's a level of unapologetic honesty (ahem, crazy) that's going on in the clip. Vivica A. Fox is a hot mess; We've all seen her crying and talking about 50 in real life so to see her play the role of the crazy ex slashing tires is not beneath her reality. Because of this, I sometimes wish she'd shut up and go cry in bed. You're the female representative, don't let em see you sweat!!! I hate that she's letting it known how hurt she was/is and I especially hate that she has no strategy. But then, I realize damn, she's (wide) open to love...
Damn it, Vivica. Matters of the heart are never cut and dry. Watch the last :30 of the video...there's something in the pain of her remembering the good times, the excitement of getting revenge on 50, the regret of acting radically, and finally the vulnerability of just wanting him...aaaah, emotions will get you every time...no wonder she's a hot mess! Sheesh, maybe 50's got a point. Why put your hand on the fire when you know it's gonna burn?! Why go down a dead-end block? The real fight is not the love itself, but the fear of going down that road (alone)...No matter what happens, love is stronger than fear if you allow it to flow...take a chance...who's gonna be the representative? :)
What would you do if you weren't afraid?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
The ‘Drawing Board’ Chronicles of Kris – 01/25/10
Good Early Morning!
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. It's been way too long since I've sat down to the computer, although I have been writing to you all in my head for weeks on end! 2010 hit the ground running - I had a little bit of outside foolishness struggling through my doorways but I was so pre-occupied with more important things that the door was forced shut. Thank the Lord I really didn't have a moment to even allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am so excited to be back into the swing of productivity of writing/producing a series (BET's The Deal which airs at daily at 3am) while diligently working my personal plan; I feel alot more alive when I'm running around with no time. I have always accomplished more with less time. Funny how it works that way...
Last weekend I treated myself to a stroll around the neighborhood. Although I walk to various locations in downtown Newark all the time, I rarely take the opportunity to just sight see or walk around aimlessly. I didn't have a goal in mind; I just wanted to walk and breathe. One particular block caught my attention and I continued to turn the same corners 7 times while engaging in a rivoting phone conversation about relationships with my writing partner. Although I was running my mouth, I was very aware of my surroundings and taking mental notes. Interestingly, I noticed something new about the block every single time I circled around.
Once I got off the phone, I went into the Art Kitchen, the Coffee Cave, and two art galleries. All of these landmarks were foreign and completely new to me. I had a great time sitting or perusing through each one. I was in no particular rush so I spent the entire day just relaxing as I arrived at each destination.
I found extreme excitement and joy in spotting something new every time I turned the corner of Halsey Street. I feel that way about every experience; nine times out of ten, we do not receive the entire lesson when we experience something the first time around so sometimes we have to keep going back to that familiar place in order to obtain something else. We may not even realize there's more to experience but we find outselves at similar junctures time and again until finally, we see and experience all that's there for us.
In my efforts to be more decisive and intutive, I'm becoming way more in tune...or at least becoming a better listener/observer to my own layers. Lately I've been awakening to more of my artist spirit in an attempt to get to know the various pieces of Kristen Victoria. I have decided to take up some sort of visual art (probably coloring and sketching) and get in front of a microphone. If you've been near me in the past couple of days, I've been screaming about how much I want to record an r&b mixtape. I've always loved to sing but since I always thought I could dance better than I could sing, people only know me as a dancer. Actually I only really know myself as a dancer. I don't even need others to hear what I put together; I just want to hear myself and see where I can go with ideas, words, rhythms, and the freedom of a new creative space.
As the days go by (in this new decade), I am hoping that we all can work on releasing more of our self-judgements in order to reveal pieces of ourselves we've previously put to bed. Over the weekend, I held the first few rehearsals for my scripted series Sellout and the feeling of my words coming alive feels incredibly fulfilling and humbling. It felt like my characters have FINALLY come off of the page and stepped onto Earth and right into the room. But this did not happen until I was ready for it to happen....until I called it up...until I stopped judging my work for not being good enough. I finally just said, 'I don't care, I just want to get something on film.' Now, we'll see how the project evolves but my characters are in the flesh because I am open to that. I finally hit the block and saw something that spoke to my spirit in a different way, that allowed me to go in without pre-judging and just say here's me, here's my art, and I'm gonna do something with it.
I realize we spend more time fighting ourselves than other people. But how did we get this way? How and why did we start caring about what other people thought of us over what we thought of ourselves? Why is social acceptance or 'rightness' so important? And furthermore, when did we start believing that a life without truth and love is even acceptable? If anything, I've been spending more of my time studying how to revert to our God selves - being full of clarity and bringing peace to our lives and circumstances. When did we lose that? I suppose I'll spend more time becoming more peaceful as opposed to figuring out how we became less peaceful. Gotta keep the forward moving and thinking on the horizon...
Life is funny. Has anyone read any Neale Donald Walsch books? I hardly recommend him. I'm gonna read a few pages and hit the hay. I've gotta get back to my regularly scheduled Chronicles. I miss you guys when I'm away too long.
Have a great week and do something you've never done to achieve something you've never achieved...(and tell me about it!) Keep sketching, keep dreaming, keep putting love thoughts into action!!!
Creating Always,
Kristen Victoria
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. It's been way too long since I've sat down to the computer, although I have been writing to you all in my head for weeks on end! 2010 hit the ground running - I had a little bit of outside foolishness struggling through my doorways but I was so pre-occupied with more important things that the door was forced shut. Thank the Lord I really didn't have a moment to even allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am so excited to be back into the swing of productivity of writing/producing a series (BET's The Deal which airs at daily at 3am) while diligently working my personal plan; I feel alot more alive when I'm running around with no time. I have always accomplished more with less time. Funny how it works that way...
Last weekend I treated myself to a stroll around the neighborhood. Although I walk to various locations in downtown Newark all the time, I rarely take the opportunity to just sight see or walk around aimlessly. I didn't have a goal in mind; I just wanted to walk and breathe. One particular block caught my attention and I continued to turn the same corners 7 times while engaging in a rivoting phone conversation about relationships with my writing partner. Although I was running my mouth, I was very aware of my surroundings and taking mental notes. Interestingly, I noticed something new about the block every single time I circled around.
Once I got off the phone, I went into the Art Kitchen, the Coffee Cave, and two art galleries. All of these landmarks were foreign and completely new to me. I had a great time sitting or perusing through each one. I was in no particular rush so I spent the entire day just relaxing as I arrived at each destination.
I found extreme excitement and joy in spotting something new every time I turned the corner of Halsey Street. I feel that way about every experience; nine times out of ten, we do not receive the entire lesson when we experience something the first time around so sometimes we have to keep going back to that familiar place in order to obtain something else. We may not even realize there's more to experience but we find outselves at similar junctures time and again until finally, we see and experience all that's there for us.
In my efforts to be more decisive and intutive, I'm becoming way more in tune...or at least becoming a better listener/observer to my own layers. Lately I've been awakening to more of my artist spirit in an attempt to get to know the various pieces of Kristen Victoria. I have decided to take up some sort of visual art (probably coloring and sketching) and get in front of a microphone. If you've been near me in the past couple of days, I've been screaming about how much I want to record an r&b mixtape. I've always loved to sing but since I always thought I could dance better than I could sing, people only know me as a dancer. Actually I only really know myself as a dancer. I don't even need others to hear what I put together; I just want to hear myself and see where I can go with ideas, words, rhythms, and the freedom of a new creative space.
As the days go by (in this new decade), I am hoping that we all can work on releasing more of our self-judgements in order to reveal pieces of ourselves we've previously put to bed. Over the weekend, I held the first few rehearsals for my scripted series Sellout and the feeling of my words coming alive feels incredibly fulfilling and humbling. It felt like my characters have FINALLY come off of the page and stepped onto Earth and right into the room. But this did not happen until I was ready for it to happen....until I called it up...until I stopped judging my work for not being good enough. I finally just said, 'I don't care, I just want to get something on film.' Now, we'll see how the project evolves but my characters are in the flesh because I am open to that. I finally hit the block and saw something that spoke to my spirit in a different way, that allowed me to go in without pre-judging and just say here's me, here's my art, and I'm gonna do something with it.
I realize we spend more time fighting ourselves than other people. But how did we get this way? How and why did we start caring about what other people thought of us over what we thought of ourselves? Why is social acceptance or 'rightness' so important? And furthermore, when did we start believing that a life without truth and love is even acceptable? If anything, I've been spending more of my time studying how to revert to our God selves - being full of clarity and bringing peace to our lives and circumstances. When did we lose that? I suppose I'll spend more time becoming more peaceful as opposed to figuring out how we became less peaceful. Gotta keep the forward moving and thinking on the horizon...
Life is funny. Has anyone read any Neale Donald Walsch books? I hardly recommend him. I'm gonna read a few pages and hit the hay. I've gotta get back to my regularly scheduled Chronicles. I miss you guys when I'm away too long.
Have a great week and do something you've never done to achieve something you've never achieved...(and tell me about it!) Keep sketching, keep dreaming, keep putting love thoughts into action!!!
Creating Always,
Kristen Victoria
The 'Love Everlasting' Chronicles of Kris - 12/31/09
Dear Love,
It is once again that I sit down to the keyboard with a humble heart - thankful for peace in this moment, tranquility in my spirit, and creativity in the midst. It's no coincidence that we are in some way connected, and I thank you for your positive energy as we all move forward as a community. I hope that we will continue to support each other even more as we live out the missions written on our hearts and vision boards.
I have plenty of goals for the new year, and they all surround one ultimate goal - being more decisive and intuitive, trusting what I already know or feel within my heart. I skimmed through a few Chronicles from last year, and it's amazing to hear the energy in each of those writings. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have each of you. You have strengthened my spirit in some way, shape, or form - whether it's a simple smile as we bump into each other on the street, food for thought during a lengthy convo that I needed, or a listening ear as I vent, it all means so much! Your friendship and mentorship is something that cannot be replaced! I appreciate that you continue to accept my gifts and continue to share yours with me.
The biggest lesson I have learned is that love and understanding is all that we need in this life. There is no way around our life's lessons except to go through them with an open heart. And if it's not open, we'll keep on experiencing & analyzing the same things until we learn the way in which we should go. :)
As we enter a new year, decade, and energy, I wish everyone a happy, healthy, prosperous celebration with family and friends. Here's to new goals and action plans!!!
Love Always, Kristen Victoria
P.S. I love this quote 'We are what we've been waiting for...'
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