Good Morning September!
Ah man, Summer is officially turning into Fall. I'm not too happy about having to switch out my wardrobe but Summer has been very good to me. Good enough that I don't mind being passed along to the next season.
This past weekend, my mom, uncle, and I road tripped to Georgia to surprise my grandmother and my great-grandmother. I'm so happy that we were able to sneak up on Nana for an early birthday surprise, as her big 7-0 falls on September 7th. Amidst the family fun, a 'down home' fish fry, and Scrabble challenge against Mom (my great-grandmother) and Mommy, I was able to do some reflecting. I mean, when am I not reflecting? It's just what I do! No matter how short a visit, I am always able to hear my great-great grandmother Granny's voice in a very special moment.
As I was brushing my teeth at 5:45a on Monday morning and preparing to leave Newton, I started thinking about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine last week. In that convo, he expressed how shocked he was that I've always been shy of a 'relationship.' Not by situation but by title. I've managed to like alot of people, maybe even love a few but we've never really seriously been together enough for stamps or proclamations to the world. And just when I'm feeling confident enough to mention something, the situation fizzles or disappears. He told me that he felt that I am being 'saved' because there's obviously something great and filled with awesomeness. 'I can't understand why you would be exempt from relationships or ahem, complete heartbreak, so that's the best way to sum it up. You've never doubted being able to be happy with someone. You've never been down about it so when that time comes, it's gonna be amazing and you're gonna beam brighter than the sun.'
We spoke for another hour or so about it all and whether he knew it or not, he really eased alot of my frustration. I speak candidly and comically about dating because it feels like one big joke sometimes. But through all the laughter, there's a ton of learning and observing that I've done and I suppose that's all I can ask for. Learning of oneself. But there's always a nagging wondering - why does it seem so easy for someone to walk away from me?
As I washed my face at 5:48a on Monday morning, a voice just came to me. 'You've always felt like men run away from you, but they're actually getting out of the way. Although you may think you want them around, they're getting out of the way so that they aren't blocking what they (and you) know you want and deserve.' I kinda looked around because the voice was so distinct and LOUD. I could not pretend I didn't hear it. I just smiled because that's the kind of resolve I really needed, and I really hadn't thought of it like that.
I have always thought, 'I'm too much but I can't help it. Maybe if I dim my light a little bit, I won't be so blinding. As spoiled as I act with family and friends, I'm really not demanding in dating. Maybe I'm not demanding enough so I'm accepting tomfoolery.' All of these thoughts have been jumbled in my head for a while. But that powerful statement Granny made has kicked around in my head for the last 53 hours or so.
And you know what - if Granny says it, it's true. LOL. More seriously, if my heart says it, it's true. If I (and some of you) can really relate and absorb that, then it's done. I'm not surprised I've made peace and provided a few emotional closures for myself in this short time because those words are ringing in my head. They're sinking in and making sense to me in a way I probably wouldn't have understood if I was given the same wisdom at a different point in my life.
Things always work out, not the way we mapped out but always as they should. Let's just walk along the journey. My goal continues to to be that of 'Have more patience with myself and others.' So far, I'm making some headway. Of course from my impatient side, I haven't made enough progress...but I am getting there. :)
HAPPY SEPTEMBER EVERYBODY! LOVE AND HUGS ALL AROUND. XOXO TO THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD. BASK IN THE GLORY OF YOUR LIFE :)
I am happy to be here in this moment.
Love Always,
Kristen Victoria
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