The 'Y=MX+B' Chronicles of Kris - 10.03.10

Good Morning Shining Stars!
I am so thankful to see the first Sunday of October. September was a full month - one of accomplishments, transition, and continued analysis. After many months of planning, I achieved quite a few major goals including launching my debut web series Sellout on http://www.visiontube.tv/, successfully executing the http://www.visiontube.tv/ launch event, finalizing the feature version of Sellout and sending it to the Cosby Writing Fellowship, and producing my reel - www.vimeo.com/kristenvcarter. It's a really awesome feeling to check off goals as 'done' and 'in progress.'

Even with hitting the goal list and checking it twice, the most humbling part isn't so much the success of reaching the goal, although it is a proud moment, but understanding the bigger picture. It takes a village to move mountains. It takes love, support, and guidance to cross one finish line and walk to another start line. It takes emotional and spiritual growth to achieve in the physical realm. Our physical accomplishments are only reflections of our continued spiritual work and inner-most progress. I have taken a good, hard look at myself and just said, 'wow.' At the most financially challenging point of my life thus far, I am most creatively open. I thought last year was transitional, hmph, but I was just being prepared for the many changes of this year. This has been a phenomenal year because I was prepared for it. I was weight training so that my spirit could remain a little stronger, I could love a little harder despite what situations I face, and I could walk more confidently through the rain and the sunny days.

I hope the same for you. I hope that my weekly ramblings are received in the spirit in which they are written. If I want you to internalize anything, it's to step out on faith and let the miracle happen. It's to trust ourselves more and walk in the light and love that we are...we are bright beams of light, placed here to impact this world in various ways...if we only believed in the gifts and talents that we instinctively possess...

So, does anyone remember the Straight Line equation aka the Slope-Intercept Form? Last week, I substitute taught at a Public School and my Math student asked me about the 'M' in the equation. What does that mean? Although I haven't touched this equation in over 8 years, it all came back to me in a second. 'M' refers to the slope of a line, more specifically the rise (vertical growth) and the run (horizontal growth) of a line. I explained the entire equation to her and immediately thought about personal growth. When we focus upward and onward, we soar. When we challenge ourselves physically and spiritually, we mature. The maturity is so evident that people can see our exponential growth. They can see that we are rising and running, as opposed to remaining stagnant. Is your life on slope? What are you doing to rise and run so that your lifeline continues to grow?

At this moment in my life, I am (as I said in the last Chronicles) focused on the following - I am a patient person who is always on time. I will add another line to this. I am a forgiving person who sees the good but is aware of the other elements of life. My intention is happiness. My intention is understanding. To get to my greater good, I must be more accepting of people, I must be less judgmental and more open to the world WHILE still remaining clear on what I will and will not accept in my life.

I had a really interesting week. My emotions were all over the place as I observed various situations for what they are and observed my instinctive reactions to them. Very rarely are my emotions scattered but it's not a coincidence that I faced these challenges as I celebrated one of the biggest accomplishments of my creative life thus far. So here are a few challenges - I am not happy when people want me to understand them but could care less to understand me. I am not happy with the state of the Black community (more specifically the Black family and male/female relationships). I am not happy when people waste my time and their own, when people take my kindness for weakness, and when people don't realize you (just like I) can be replaced so stop acting up! (Within the last two weeks, I have a new found appreciation for Beyonce's Irreplaceable AKA To the Left. I hated that song two years ago.)

However, I am happy when I can stay calm a day longer. I am happy when I can take a moment to reflect and try to see the lesson in a situation. I am happy to be challenged because without obstacles, I will not grow. I am happy to be at the helm of a burgeoning production as I prepare for bigger experiences. I am happy to learn and exhibit self-control during a chaotic time. I am happy to be a better me. I am happy to be happy in this moment because I control my happiness. Balancing the different emotions and circumstances of life is a juggling act but we can do it!

I will not learn to rise and run if I don't stay focused on the exponential growth. So although I was emotionally tried this past week, I am happy to learn, grow, and transform into my best self. Where's Oprah? I want a hug! Actually, I seriously do want a hug. :)

I love you all.

XOXO,
Kristen Victoria

The ‘Ground Rules’ Chronicles of Kris – 09.17.10

Happy Friday!
I am wide awake, patiently waiting for The Cosby Show on Nick at Nite. I can't believe the programming department has limited Claire and Cliff to one hour a night! I don't want to watch The Nanny or Family Matters. This is a travesty and the main cause of decreasingly insomniatic habits.

Let's get right to it. Recently, a family member of mine (close in title/role/name, but not so close in actual relationship) has been contacting me incessantly. (S)he has been extremely persistant about my participation in a professional project. Although I do reply to his/her emails to offer minimal advice, I am not interested in doing business with this person at all. In my eyes, we can barely handle our personal relationship, let alone money politics. I don't know what's more agrivating - not hearing from someone at all or only hearing from them when their hand is out. This pattern became very obvious to me a few weeks ago and after that revelation, 'something' told me to keep my mouth shut while I was experiencing it. 'Don't react, don't mention the situation to anyone, and don't analyze it. Make no judgments and just give it some time.' The person called me that weekend and said (s)he just wanted to say hello. I really appreciated the call and at that time, (s)he asked that I partner on the project. It wasn't a pressuring ask so I said I would give it some thought. I am going to eventually say no, according to Kristen 2010. Maybe that'll change in 2011. *shrug* When I got off the phone, I thought of a few things.

We're two people, coming from two points of reference, who do seem to want the same end result - a growing communication level and relationship. However, we have very different (and somewhat conflicting) modes of operation. Through the years, I've fought about the M.O. as opposed to focusing on the end result. Wait, I'm being too nice. Quite frankly, it is very hard to be the bigger person when you feel that person should try to look at the entire picture. So, as the weeks go by with emails and asks, I am growing in my use of the word NO with a pleasant tone. I am learning to say HOLD ON, WAIT A MINUTE, GIVE ME A SECOND, I AM NOT INTERESTED. And I am loving it.

I am learning the power of acceptance and self-control. I am learning to see people for who they are in this moment as opposed to referring to the past or getting emotional because they don't understand where I am coming from. This kind of growth feels so good. By controlling our emotional responses, we show people how to treat us. I will not be overly emotional. I will not pick a fight but I am also not going to be used. So I will pick up the phone when I feel like it and I will answer emails when I get to it. And you will respect that because I am respectful when standing my ground. If I feel like chiming through or not chiming through, I will follow my instinct because I am determined to only do things that make me feel good.

Maybe I am experiencing this to really internalize that it is necessary to set boundaries with those we come in contact with in any relationship. I have developed the following mantra - I AM A PATIENT PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS ON TIME. AHEM. I AM A PATIENT PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS ON TIME. In order to get to the next level, I must challenge myself to be better when I know I 'get it.' I must not react to old emotional triggers because there are new, more mature ones. 'Try to work on my patience' has been on my yearly goal list for over 10 years but I never mastered it. But I've come to acknowledge that I was trying and not doing; I was saying it but definitely didn't act on it. By trying, I was giving myself the option to give up and do what was natural for my old self.

It's a new season, a time to reinvent ourselves and get rid of old ways and baggage that aren't producing positive and happy results. Who's ready to move onto the next and set some ground rules?

XOXO,
Kristen Victoria

The 'Visiontube.tv' Chronicles of Kris - 09.07.10

Good Morning!
I hope you had a great, non-laboring weekend. I'm sleepy but not without good reason and great things to do today! I woke up with our family on my mind because it is with great excitement that I announce *the launch of visiontube.tv.*

Visiontube.tv has been in the oven for quite some time and we cannot wait to unleash the projects that have been stirring in the pot. A few of you have been here since the beginning as I ran ideas by you, some came into the fold as I was brainstorming and beginning this journey, most of you were around as I started and stopped and started again, until the ball of energy rolled up to get these works off of the ground.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, your inquiries about 'When will see your work?' even when I wasn't quite sure, and your friendship for seeing me through to this stage. Family comes first so you all are receiving the first visiontube.tv blast ever. Get excited...LOL. (A few of you may receive this information again later in the day.)

There's more to come. Thank you for your support!

******
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

THE LAUNCH OF VISIONTUBE.TV –
A NEW DESTINATION FOR ORIGINAL WEB CONTENT

WEG Media Inc, JazziDreamer Entertainment LLC, and MarchWealth Media are proud to present the debut of visiontube.tv, an online channel dedicated to original programming. The official site launch is Thursday, September 30th!

Visiontube.tv is the brainchild of Emmy Award winner Charles E. Williams. Jr., who is also the founder of WEG Media Inc. He has partnered with Kristen V. Carter of JazziDreamer Entertainment LLC and La Shell Wooten of MarchWealth Media to create a slate of innovative programs which include scripted, reality, and talk formats for the Fall 2010 - Winter 2011 season.

The first release on the visiontube.tv slate is the dramatic web series entitled Sellout about a Harvard graduate who returns to his hometown of Harlem, New York after the death of his mother. Sellout marks the directorial debut of screenwriter Kristen V. Carter. The series stars Pierre Downing (BET’s Harlem Heights), Kimberly Holloway (Duane Reade’s ad campaign), Matthew Jenifer (better known as lyricist SahRil), and Kristine John (Tony Clomax’s 12 Steps to Recovery). Sellout launches on Thursday, September 30th and will premiere a new episode every Thursday.

Visiontube.tv will continue into October 2010 with a premiere lineup of programs which includes the talk show Journey into Manhood: A Conversation. This series features a group of men challenging the current state of relationships, family, and education. Journey into Manhood: A Conversation is a prequel to director/producer Charles E. Williams, Jr.’s rivoting documentary Journey into Manhood, which asks the question ‘What Is A Man?’

Screenwriter La Shell Wooten will debut the web series Slipknot, a family drama about a divorcing couple who is struggling to keep their family intact. The series features an ensemble cast including Anthony Laurent (Third Eye Productions’ Jackpot), Vanessa Evans (director, Talking Drum Theatre Arts Program), and Marjuan Canady (Sepia Works' Girls! Girls? Girls). Slipknot, directed by La Shell Wooten, will launch in December 2010.

Visiontube.tv is a premiere destination for original programming addressing contemporary issues. Stay tuned for updates on new content and partnerships throughout the coming season! For media inquiries and information on the company, contact Kristen V. Carter at kcarter@visiontube.tv.

‘We are what you watch.’

The 'Workout Plan' Chronicles of Kris - 09.01.10

Good Morning September!
Ah man, Summer is officially turning into Fall. I'm not too happy about having to switch out my wardrobe but Summer has been very good to me. Good enough that I don't mind being passed along to the next season.

This past weekend, my mom, uncle, and I road tripped to Georgia to surprise my grandmother and my great-grandmother. I'm so happy that we were able to sneak up on Nana for an early birthday surprise, as her big 7-0 falls on September 7th. Amidst the family fun, a 'down home' fish fry, and Scrabble challenge against Mom (my great-grandmother) and Mommy, I was able to do some reflecting. I mean, when am I not reflecting? It's just what I do! No matter how short a visit, I am always able to hear my great-great grandmother Granny's voice in a very special moment.

As I was brushing my teeth at 5:45a on Monday morning and preparing to leave Newton, I started thinking about a conversation I had with a good friend of mine last week. In that convo, he expressed how shocked he was that I've always been shy of a 'relationship.' Not by situation but by title. I've managed to like alot of people, maybe even love a few but we've never really seriously been together enough for stamps or proclamations to the world. And just when I'm feeling confident enough to mention something, the situation fizzles or disappears. He told me that he felt that I am being 'saved' because there's obviously something great and filled with awesomeness. 'I can't understand why you would be exempt from relationships or ahem, complete heartbreak, so that's the best way to sum it up. You've never doubted being able to be happy with someone. You've never been down about it so when that time comes, it's gonna be amazing and you're gonna beam brighter than the sun.'

We spoke for another hour or so about it all and whether he knew it or not, he really eased alot of my frustration. I speak candidly and comically about dating because it feels like one big joke sometimes. But through all the laughter, there's a ton of learning and observing that I've done and I suppose that's all I can ask for. Learning of oneself. But there's always a nagging wondering - why does it seem so easy for someone to walk away from me?

As I washed my face at 5:48a on Monday morning, a voice just came to me. 'You've always felt like men run away from you, but they're actually getting out of the way. Although you may think you want them around, they're getting out of the way so that they aren't blocking what they (and you) know you want and deserve.' I kinda looked around because the voice was so distinct and LOUD. I could not pretend I didn't hear it. I just smiled because that's the kind of resolve I really needed, and I really hadn't thought of it like that.

I have always thought, 'I'm too much but I can't help it. Maybe if I dim my light a little bit, I won't be so blinding. As spoiled as I act with family and friends, I'm really not demanding in dating. Maybe I'm not demanding enough so I'm accepting tomfoolery.' All of these thoughts have been jumbled in my head for a while. But that powerful statement Granny made has kicked around in my head for the last 53 hours or so.

And you know what - if Granny says it, it's true. LOL. More seriously, if my heart says it, it's true. If I (and some of you) can really relate and absorb that, then it's done. I'm not surprised I've made peace and provided a few emotional closures for myself in this short time because those words are ringing in my head. They're sinking in and making sense to me in a way I probably wouldn't have understood if I was given the same wisdom at a different point in my life.

Things always work out, not the way we mapped out but always as they should. Let's just walk along the journey. My goal continues to to be that of 'Have more patience with myself and others.' So far, I'm making some headway. Of course from my impatient side, I haven't made enough progress...but I am getting there. :)

HAPPY SEPTEMBER EVERYBODY! LOVE AND HUGS ALL AROUND. XOXO TO THE FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD. BASK IN THE GLORY OF YOUR LIFE :)

I am happy to be here in this moment.

Love Always,
Kristen Victoria

The ‘One In A Million’ Chronicles of Kris – 08.25.10

Good Morning All!
I cannot believe how the heavens have opened up this week! I am solar-powered so my productivity runneth a bit low but I'm feeling good, feeling great...feeling great, feeling good, how are you?

Today marks the 9th anniversary of R&B singer Aaliyah's passing. Although I never proclaimed myself a huge fan in the 90s, I really did follow her career through the years and I've continued to celebrate her life and music as I've gotten older. She seemed to be somewhat of a quiet storm, one who blazed trails without having to craft a life made perfectly for PR campaigns. I wonder how she would have dealt with the overly-exposed pop world of today. I venture to say she would have been the youth's Sade, one who dips in and out of the spotlight but always does it with grace.

Aaliyah was one of the first artists of the 90s generation to endorse a brand (Tommy Hilfiger) and move into film. When I listen to her music, I realize just how ahead of her time she was. She may not have had the best voice or the hottest track out, but she had a strong presence in the industry and a voice that continues to be heard. Aaliyah's influence can be seen mostly in Rihanna and Ciara's styles, although I'm no longer impressed with their overall imaging now that they are huge celebrities.

It's interesting to witness how the lives of Aaliyah, Brandy, and Monica panned out. All of them are/were normal girls who just had extraordinary talent. I never knew all I wanted to know about them but as their lives have played out, we've seen the humanity in them - the growth, the heartbreak, the family ties or woes, the transitions, etc. In this day and age of music, the artists are so different. Everything is for show. Nothing is sacred. (Although I love Beyonce, I kinda wanna see her make a mistake. Even just a small one, just to show us that she's not a robot.)

In different ways, Aaliyah, Brandy, and Monica were my r&b heroes. Although Brandy was my ultimate #1 because she was the brown-skinned Cover Girl, I was pretty obsessed with Aaliyah's style; I never understood how she could be so cool ALL the time. I also loved the way she handled herself around the Super Friends - Ginuwine, Missy, Timbaland, & Playa.

Now that Aaliyah has transitioned, I am very happy that she was not around to be a part of the R. Kelly scandals. That would have been the worst. But I am most thankful that her music was pure and she seemed to really love the artistry, as opposed to the exposure. It was very nice to have an around the way girl just dancing and singing because it was a passion.

It'd be nice to see that again but we may never witness that kind of authenticity in pop culture again. Aaliyah is one in a million!

The ‘Reynold’s Wrap’ Chronicles of Kris – 08.17.10

Good Morning Peeps!

How are you? I have so much to discuss with you, so don't be surprised if you receive multiple messages from me like rapid fire. As of last Friday, my show has closed up shop. We produced 91 really great shows that hopefully some of you got a chance to watch and if not, go to bet.com/thedeal. Message. ;)

A few months ago I shared that I had received a few opportunities simultaneously during this show's season. I felt like the universe was asking me if I was happy - after declaring to a friend days before that I wasn't, that I felt everything was all over the place. Well everything happens right on time. I needed that kind of jolt, that moment of reflection, because alot of times we're wishing and planning for the future so much that we don't STOP to take a look at all that we do have. It took the opportunity to weigh other scenarios that I realized I was content right where I was; that my contributions were valued, that I was growing more comfortable and confident, and that I was where I belonged in that moment...

The decision to remain still was one of the best decisions I made all year. I received plenty of confirmations that I made the right choice for myself, considering I've walked away with tons of experience, confidence, and even a few mentors. So as this show closes its doors, I am thankful I walked out with it as opposed to jumping out of the window prematurely. Sometimes it takes weighing situations to appreciate them.

So, although it's really annoying for people to ask 'well, what are you doing next,' that is the question I am faced with now. But in the meantime, I'm happily occupied with independent projects and JazziDreamer business that should fill up my schedule for the next week or so. Reading scripts, writing, taking meetings. This is what the freelance life requires. :) I refuse to ho-hum it because there's so much to be done...now I just have to figure out how to manage this time. If you know me, you know that I've become not that great at budgeting my time. I'm not sure when that happened but I'm working on it.

Sometimes writing to you helps me find the rhythm for the day. But alas, I have another topic to dive into. See ya in a few minutes! And check out my writing/production reel on http://www.vimeo.com/13940419. Updates are coming this week to www.kristenvcarter.comAND my web series Sellout is on its way before September's out. I can't release the date yet but AJAJAJA!

Love you all,

Kristen Victoria

The 'Time & Space for The Unholy Servants' Chronicles of Kris - 08.02.10

Happy August!

I hope all is well with you and yours. I guess we're gonna just blink 2010 away, huh? From the looks of it, this has been an incredible and progressive year for quite a few Chroniclers. Not without some blood, sweat, tears, and life lessons to boot! I am hoping that we stay on this kick and keep the energy moving.

I come to you very excited because I am waiting for my editor so that I can complete the final tweaks of my production reel and then update my website with some cool video clips. Ajajaja. I can't wait for you all to see the magic that's the visual resume. I am so humbled. Recently, I went through my closets to find the footage and was so moved to physically see my progress through the years. I read several essays and journal entries and realized that I've pretty much always whined about something. Although I felt like a failing student and social reject in high school, I was never those things. I've always taken the journey to heart and I need to stop that! But as I look back and reflect on the times I thought I was the 'worst,' I was really dead wrong. I've always been better than good enough...it's so much easier for us to criticize and pick ourselves apart as opposed to poppin' our collars and being happy with who we are in every moment. So I hope that as we set goals, I hope you are also looking at the greatness that is inherently you.

So, I have even better news --- I am sitting at my desk listening to Lance Drummonds' debut album with Andre Cole's next chapter of his online book 'The Unholy Servants,' printed out and ready to go for my evening ride home!

If you do not know who these fine gentlemen are, first off - they are Chroniclers. And secondly (but really firstly), they are really great friends. I call Dre Day my 'mentor #3' because he's always willing to listen and give me great advice. While we worked on The Black Carpet, I harassed him about reading his screenplays and chapters of his book and he always refused. Well months and months later, this baby is online and ready for viewing!!! Andre is releasing one chapter every Monday during the summer. I'm not gonna tell you what it's about...I'd rather you support him on www.theunholyservants.com. :)

Lance Drummonds and I go way back to college talent shows! It's been a good little minute but after perfecting his craft and going back to the drawing board to master his songs and get them nice and crispy for you, his album 'Time and Space' is available online. Go to www.lancedrummonds.bandcamp.com. Please tweet about it, facebook, the whole shabang!

It is with pleasure that I share the good news. I know there are so many accomplishments that are hidden behind your screen names. But please, tell me/us/our family about them so that we can cheer together as opposed to always crying together. LOL.

Love and hugs,

Kris

P.S. By the time I blast the next Chronicle, my reel will be up. It's on and poppington! Tiger Woods ya'll!

P.P.S. The Chronicles of Kris web show may be back in production in the Fall. Stay tuned to these weekly messages!

The 'Relating 101: It's A Man's World' Chronicles of Kris - 07.26.10

'It's tough being a woman cause at the end of the day, it's a man's world,' said my date. After almost two months of chatting, talking over the phone, and occasional outings, he decided to take me out to dinner. I've lost all zest for getting to know this guy in a romantic way but I do find him funny so I didn't mind going out to eat. But recently, I've been taken aback by his ways of thinking. He's recently expressed to me that women need to be ready, willing, and able to engage in whatever activity their man wants. However, when I asked him about things he does to please a woman on a variety of levels, he gave me a rundown of 'don'ts' when it comes to relating. Not only do I find this extremely selfish, I find it extremely laughable. My words: 'I am not the woman for you.' There is NO way that you are going to have full range of my friendship and already have limitations coming into any interactions with me. I asked him about his obvious double standards and he just shrugged his shoulders and kept on eating his dinner. 'It's tough out there for ya'll.' Although we don't fit in regards to desires in a relationship, I did enjoy the dinner mostly because as I've said recently, dating is an exercise. I feel like I'm being placed in a variety of crazy situations to test my self-confidence, my own security in my desires, and also just seeing what other perspectives are out here.

So onto the most hilarious part of the night...

When he dropped me off, he asked to park in my space. When he got out of the driver's side, I saw a little blue bag in his hand. I asked, 'What's that? I know that's not a travel bag in your hand!' He replied, 'Oh, I want to brush my teeth since we ate seafood.' Uh huh, whatever. I cannot believe that this guy really thought it was cool to whip out a travel bag. Why do you have a travel bag? We've gone out before and you have not whipped out your toothbrush and toothpaste. So clearly, this has worked for him sometime before! We're definitely not cool like that and if you thought something was going to happen, it sho' ain't happening now! Definitely not! (However, I was dying laughing at this.)

So when we got through my front door, I noticed he was taking off his dress shirt and I turned around. 'What do you think you're doing?,' I said again. He replied, 'I just wanted to get comfortable.' I just stared and chuckled at him. 'You can relax for an hour but you are not staying over.' Excuse me, what do you think this is?! When he finished brushing his teeth in the bathroom (ROTFLMAO), he sat down and told me that he liked how direct I was about letting him know not to get comfortable. He paused and then said, 'You've been telling me how dominating I am but really, you set the stage for the entire night. We sat outside because you wanted to, I turned the air conditioner off because you were cold, and I'll be going home and you had a good meal because you wanted that. You got everything you wanted in your own way.'

Well yea...I guess. But I mean, damn. This is my house! It is my world. Get right or get left. Get down or lay down!

We talked for a little while and then he got up and got ready to go. He said he wanted to see me again this week. I was pretty surprised because I made myself clear and our track record of getting together is few and far between. Oh well. Although pretty crass, I didn't take any of his actions to heart. If I had been in that situation in a previous season in my life, I would have made a big stink about it. 'How dare he show up with a travel bag? Was he just trying to do THAT and we've only gone out on a date once?' Uh, yes Kristen. Clearly.

But I think these randomly hilarious moments aren't showing me the game, but they are showing me myself. I am still laughing over the complete story. You'll have to call me for that. Some of those details can't quite make air without me crying from absolute hilarity! I am convinced I am not the only person going through these absolutely ridiculous scenarios.

XOXO,

Kris

The 'Summer Love Everlasting' Chronicles of Kris - 07.17.10

Good Morning Family!

We are halfway through my favorite month - July, oh July! I love it because it's intensely hot and people do crazy things in the heat. Actually, people do real things in extreme conditions and I just marvel at seeing the truth come out. I have already jumped into a few 'out of pocket' moments and those 'WTF' (what the eff) experiences are the best! It's like looking down over the cliff and wondering, 'Is it safe to bungee jump? Will I have the time of my life OR the last time of my life? Well...here goes nothing or everything!' This summer I've devoted myself to doing one thing that scares me everyday and/or trying something I've never done before. And every time, there's that initial moment of fear or thought of doubt that plagues my mind. But then, I close my eyes, take a step, hit send, or lift my voice. And it ALWAYS works out. I walk into what I think is the fountain of love that keeps us moving and the world turning...

I've spent the last few months inhaling books and journaling in my mind. The time that I've taken to listen, as much as sharing, has been a great blessing. Continually, I've been drawn to one theme - 'love versus fear.' The art of allowing versus resistance, the art of flowing versus restriction, responding with your heart versus speaking with your ego - it's all the exact same thing that keeps coming around. I am so thankful for these love lessons because it means I am ready for them. We only get what we're ready to receive.

In May/June, I was approached with several offers out of the blue - various interviews, auditions, dates, living arrangements, and even a game show - WHEEL OF FORTUNE! (Can I get a whoop whoop?!? I made it through the final round!!!) I considered every single opportunity and played out various scenarios of how my life would change or how a situation would enhance my current situation. However, one experience in particular has really set a new tone for this time. While considering a new opportunity, I openly expressed my interest but said I needed a few days to thoroughly weigh my options before accepting anything. Now most times, I jump at new things. I'm very excited and ready for the next - because if it weren't for me, it wouldn't come my way - but this time, I stood still for a moment. I said let me catch my breath before I run off into no man's land. Instead of looking at all I'd be gaining, I reflected on what I have now in this moment. All that I'm learning, all that I'm laughing about, all that I'm inspired by...right where I am standing right now. It didn't take me long to acknowledge that I'm good. I'm happy.

I decided not to move forward with the opportunity for various reasons but mostly because I have more to observe and offer here. And within days of making that decision, it feels like the world just opened up. I started to receive what I felt was coming to me - more growth, more opportunity to be who I am and share more of myself. I'm so thankful for this time.

I say all this to say - I spend alot of time analyzing and figuring things out. I wonder what's gonna happen, what's the next step, how can I avoid pain to get to pleasure, typing and sometimes yelling, 'wait wait wait let me just talk to you RIGHT NOW cause I have to get this out right now' all exasperated-like...and really -

pause, *deep breath* and a moment to recite Whitley's 'Relax, Relate, Release'

I am looking around at the beauty of the here and now and I can say, it is ALL to the good! I think those Michael Jackson parties last month really got to me. I just let the spirit and Thriller move me and I ended up with a crick in my neck first thing Monday morning. :)

Continue to let your hearts speak, let love walk you through the journey, spend at least 10 minutes a day in your silence, and we'll be alright.

I love you all so much,

Kristen Victoria

P.S. If you need a good read, pick up Marianne Williamson's A Return to Love.

P.P.S. I'm such a geek. I wanted to relate today's Chronicles to Wheel of Fortune so badly and then I was like OMG, I can do a 'Before and After' category with this one. Who knows what 'Before and After' even means in Wheel of Fortune? :)

The ‘NST: Natural Standard Time’ Chronicles of Kris – 07.13.10

Good Afternoon Family,

I meant to send this note a few days ago but I got caught up doing everything or maybe, nothing at all.

Within the past few months, I’ve had some really quirky dates. From meeting someone who literally passed out in front of me to someone who asked me to score our outing, it’s just been plain awkward. There have been a few normal souls and because of their normalcy, they actually seemed exceptional. But a breath of fresh air should feel like a nice merry go round, not a regular walk down the block. But for whatever reason, people just don’t act like they have good sense. I’ve been holding most of the hilarity from the Chronicles and throwing it into an outline for my next fun project. What’s a great summer without a short film to walk with into the Fall!

When outings go sour or things just get a little crazy, I’ve learned to repeat to myself, ‘Dating is an exercise, I am just strengthening my muscle. I am just strengthening my muscle.’ I don’t really get this whole dating/courtship thing but I imagine I’ll continue to keep going and not get it until eventually, some light bulb will come on. Or maybe no light bulb will come on. scratches head, kanye shrug

Wait, wait – let me backtrack. I’ve never really truly dated just to go out and meet new people. I’ve always gone out and kinda (without realizing) selected someone. Insert Chris Rock quote – ‘I want HIM.’ I’m sure there are a few reasons why that’s so automatic so I’m consciously working on that, realizing that we’re all a work in progress. Just because I want him, doesn’t mean he wants me now or at all. And I can’t nice someone into liking me. And I dog on sure can’t make it seem like I understand just so he’ll vent to me and make me the ‘go to’ counselor. So I will get out there and get more comfortable with myself and with others because that's why this time is here.

This level of experience, as opposed to agonizing analogy, is cool. I mean, I think I’d beat a broken record by expounding on the fact that our modes of communication aren’t really communication. As much as I love Twitter and Facebook for idle chatting during the day, a poke or a Direct Message hardly qualifies for special attention. So, how does this next generation of 20-something communicators thrive in an environment where we text instead of talk and retweet as opposed to write letters?

I’ll get back to you on that. All I do know is that the answers will only appear as I continue to live the questions. And most definitely, this and all else will happen in its own time.

Ahh, and what do we have here. A text message that reads, 'That's how you know a date was bad, no further contact afterward.' This was written by someone I went on an outing with over 5 weeks ago and never spoke to again. Sigh...shaking my head...Why?!?

‘Dating is an exercise, I am just strengthening my muscle. I am just strengthening my muscle.’

Workin' Day & Night,

Kristen Victoria

The 'Essence Music Festival 2000' Chronicles of Kris - 07.05.10

Hey Family,

Happy Independence Day Weekend. I don't usually celebrate this particular holiday with a full weekend itinerary, but thankfully I did this year. On Saturday, I attended Brooklyn Museum's First Saturdays event for the first time ever and if you're in the NYC area, I suggest you check out the next one in August. Beautiful people of all shades - it is THE place to be if you wanna chill, listen to music, and meet some good folk. On Sunday, I had the pleasure of soaking in the sun on the water...I went boating in honor of a good friend's birthday and that was such a beautifully peaceful experience...aaaah! Shout out to chroniclers Patrice and Lance, who both rang in their respective born day(s) on the 4th of July!

On Friday, another chronicling friend Vernae texted me from the Essence Fest. Man, every year I say I want to go but always forget to plan a trip down there. During our short convo, I started reminiscing about the one and only time I traveled down there - I was 15 years old at the time and went down to Nawlins with my mom. If any of you ever decide to travel with my mother, you'll realize she likes to get into EVERYTHING. With her, it's not really a relaxed vacation. It's more like a checklist and the Essence Fest is her kind of party. The festival is full of seminars, booths, food samples, and concerts and back then, I was just tryna keep up. I was doing well - only nodding off slightly at seminars, agreeing to meet and greet with Billy Blanks & other authors, etc - until we got halfway through the weekend. After one of the concerts, we decided to go to an after-party. I remember standing in line with her, completely bug-eyed and nervous because I was so underage. I'm not sure if they let me in because I was tall and looked over 18 or because I was with another woman who was obviously over 21 and almost identical to me. But inside the party, I got my first taste of an older man flirting with me. I was two-stepping and here this bugger comes trying to get closer to me with every beat. 'Where are you from? Aaah, you can move.' I think paralysis set in with each question or comment and before I knew it, my mother yanked the back of my shirt. For whatever reason, I still gave a shy wave to the guy and breathed a sigh of relief that Jacquie Chavis pulled the Mommy card. On our way out, we took pictures with Robert Horry and went back to the hotel. By that time, it was 3am.

So, we went to a seminar the next day and I was pooped. I don't remember anything but cloudy vision and then changing clothes for the Luther Vandross concert. I was excited but I needed sleep...so I gave in to the Sandman's pleading and slept. The whole concert. Here we are in the 6th row and my head is bobbing back and forth. My mom nudges me, I jump up, snap my fingers for maybe 20 seconds, and nod off again. Then, a random guy asked if something was wrong or if I was sick. I said no, and went back to sleep. Apparently, my nodding was so bad that this man asked my mom if I was drugged. I missed most of that concert, although I did clap and scream when Luther shouted out the cue. :)

This was the first taste of night life and my first real bout with sleep deprivation. Fast forward to my graduation trip in 2006. My mom and I visited LA at the time and again, we had a pretty strict agenda. I held on until the very last day. We toured everywhere we could for a full seven days and that day, we took a trip to Disney World. After about an 1.5 hours of heat, I just had a moment. 'I can't take it anymore. It is too hot! I'm headed to the car.' LOL This outburst was followed by another declaration that 'I'm not going anywhere on our last night, I am tired and I want to relax.' (Love you, Mommy!)

10 years later after my first vacation - I can hang with the best of them BUT if I don't get at least 5 hours of sleep, I will be nodding off in any corner imaginable. I have passed out in diners, museums, anywhere that I can close my eyes! Thankfully, I was able to party this weekend, get sleep, play in the sun, and just nap for 5 minutes if need be. Honestly, I did fall asleep while waiting for dinner last night. Ahhh well...I AM still the energizer bunny!

Have a great week!

Life is our playground,

Kristen Victoria

The 'Playground' Chronicles of Kris - 04/19/10

Hey Good People,
How are you? We're getting closer and closer to my favorite time of the year!! I love to roast in the summer, but there's something to be said for the momentum of Spring. Mother nature starts granting our wish to turn up the heat, and suddenly there's a boost, a feeling of rebirth that seems to come over everything. As the flowers bloom, I've felt a resurgence in my life, one that is welcomed and deeply appreciated.

During 1st Quarter, I was feeling hopeful but incredibly reconstructive. Because of that frame of mind - coming from a point of lack and 'regrouping,' I felt very needy. I need more money, more time to myself, more attention, more encouragement, MORE to 'get it right.' If I had X, I'd feel Z. When will I get (fill in the blank)? How can I get (fill in the blank)?

Upon expressing these thoughts to my mother, she sent me a Daily Word entry the very next morning that said three words -

I AM ENOUGH.

I stared at that email for a few moments and let those words seep in. I continued to say that phrase to myself during the day's journey, and my internal voice began to sing. I have near-perfect health, I have a supportive family, I have a home, a PEACEFUL home at that. I have love, I have true friends, and the honesty that I so desire from others, I have from myself and from my Source. In the days that followed, I spent more time basking in the glory of what my life is at this very moment.

I can't recall the exact moment where things started to click again - when I started to feel inspired and free to dream as opposed to fearful of my dreams. Hold on - when and why did that even happen?!?! Argh! When I absorbed the 'reality' of the world - when I began accepting the images of the recession, feeling for people who are depressed as opposed to acknowledging their circumstances and NOT taking on their burdens, when I was inspired to pull greatness out of others when they were not willing to do it themselves. I had a moment when I forgot the beauty of this life experience. The great reality that we all have the potential to create in and around us. The clarity of asking for what I want and expecting for it to show up in my universe. That's the life that we are all born to live!

So these thoughts spawned other heart-glowing experiences. In March, I hit the recording studio for the first time. I recorded my educational version of Ludacris's Pimpin All Over The World entitled 'Learnin All Over The World.' I wrote it in 2005 for my summer program's graduation song. I also was led to record a song called 'Roadblock.' I was pissed at myself for literally feeling like I hit a fork in the road and didn't know where to turn. I was upset that when I heard the beat, those words came pouring out of me as opposed to some happy-go-lucky song. I sang it against my 'wanna be perfect' side of myself, and vowed to never play it back cause those feelings are just silly...

When I got out of the booth, the engineer began talking about his career and he asked if I had read the book 'The Secret.' I blurted out, 'I have, but I think I may have forgotten it.' I took that moment seriously because that was my heart speaking to me. I really had forgotten the secret for a second! My heart was telling me to continue to seek and to pick up the book because just maybe it has something for me to absorb. I have read alot of 'Mind Body and Spirit' books in the past few months to get that thing back. To get that zeal for life to magically return...but everything is a process, everything is a cycle and it happened when I turned my perspective from emptiness to expectation. And funny, I finally played that song back this past Saturday and started laughing. What a difference a few weeks has made...I don't even feel that way anymore. As opposed to feeling a road block, I feel like the world has opened up...

I say all of this to say - let's make life our playground. I have remembered the greatness of thought, of perspective, of thankfulness. I am so thankful for this time, this space, and this moment...that I'm bursting at the seams. Now I have to settle into feeling great because it's a feeling I forgot. *shakes fist at 2009* Lol...let's continue to look forward, to take every experience as a learning tool that is preparing us for receiving greatness in every area. I realize now that things aren't so cut and dry, that we go through phases, that we can't take things so personally and that it takes time to heal, process, and run toward our joy. But when we do, people better start running with us or run off the road! WORD!!!

And on that note - love, laughter, and loyalty always! I love you all so much. (And for those speed readers, I hope this touches you too!!!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7Lj6xf9XPU

Love,
Kristen Victoria

The 'Snoop Dogg' Chronicles of Kris - 03.18.10

Happy Spring Everyone,

Thank God for some sunshine. I don't care how long it lasts; warmer temperatures are here for now and that's all that matters. For those who don't know, I am hard at work on BET's The Deal, a hip-hop entertainment show that airs at 3am AKA the graveyard shift. I am very proud of our show because we're not just playing what's hot; we are showcasing many aspects of hip-hop and shining a light on mixtape artists, producers, executives, entrepreneurs, and even some culture. Clutch the pearls. (If you can, please DVR the show and spread the word.)

Last week, we hooked up with Snoop Dogg so that he could co-host the show. Prior to our tape day, I was a little nervous. I knew I'd have to prep him for his reads, etc and I'm always a little bit weary of 'high-profile' talent. They are usually pretty detached, moody, and they like to show off by singing and dancing all over the place while their team laughs at all of their jokes. But my producer quickly told me that Uncle Snoop is a ball of fun and will do anything that I ask of him.

Although reassured, I did get a little worried when Snoop showed up hours late and went straight into his dressing room to smoke. That dude is a straight chimney! I mean firrraaaaah. I thought maybe he'd be very mellow & kinda grumpy (I don't know a thing about smoking or smokers), but when he came out of his room, he was awesome and so sweet. He danced around, he joked around, he even messed up and said 'wait am I supposed to start off, baby girl'? Also, he didn't have enough clothing to change for three shoots so we thought he was going to stay in the same outfit for the second shot of the day. When we asked him, he turned around and said, 'I can't look like yesterday' and ran off to get a new jacket.

Besides getting a mean contact and smelling like weed on the way home, the experience was great and I realized why Snoop has been a mainstay for so long. He connects with everyone and makes people feel comfortable without being flashy, arrogant, or showy. And you know it's a good shoot when my staff (who are comprised of people who are 'unimpressed by fame') all got up to take pics with Uncle Snoop. By this point, I was holding in coughs because of the smoke but I'll do it for tha Doggfather.

Good times...

except for the fact that the train conductor started sniffing when he went by me to take my ticket! :)

The 'In Light of Dark Ways' Chronicles of Kris - 03.18.10

Hi All,

So every morning before I get to shuffling papers, viewing tapes, and typing my life away, I check out the blogs to see what juicy foolishness has transpired since I left my desk. The other day my friend & chronicler Patrice (say hi, Patty D) sent me this link: http://www.crunktastical.net/2010/03/16/winso/. It's a candid interview featuring retired basketball player Winston Bennett as he discusses sex addiction. I'm assuming he's slept with over 1,000 women in his life after doing some math during the interview and all I can say is wow. Not only am I horrified about his experiences (and knowing that other people have to be going through this as well), but I was saddened by the woman standing beside him through thick and thin. Oh yes, he's been married for over 20 years and sleighing folks left and right. A 'stand by your man' kinda woman who's not standing for herself...

When the interviewer asked Winston's wife about her marriage, she said something like, "I know/knew this is something that God will heal in time." You know, I am definitely a believer BUT come on...I really get tired of people using their faith as a crutch for their weaknesses and ultimately an enabler for their pain. God doesn't want us sitting on our duffs waiting for Him to come save us from things we could save ourselves from. We are co-creators!! Although extremely difficult, we have to be mindful and act accordingly when things aren't in tune with our vibrations. You know it doesn't feel good and isn't helping your growth, so get gone OR at least try to find some inner peace. I doubt our Higher Power wants us suffering (especially in a carnal sense) in His name. To me, that's actually using our faith in vain. But again, who am I to judge. Watch this clip...I still think she needs to get the steppin!

There are so many things going on in the world. Family, how can we get back to center as a community? How can we look ourselves and our loved ones in the eye again? Let's work toward self-exposure, identity, and unity if we're going to move forward in any sense of the word.

P.S. This is a thought that I've been pondering lately. Does the story of Adam & Eve (and their descendents) hold us hostage as we seek truth or do those stories of sin, jealousy, good versus evil serve us as we seek freedom, peace, and truth? I have LOTS of thoughts on this topic and would love to dialogue. It's time for a get together/pow wow/forum. :)

Love you all.

Kristen Victoria

The 'Nike' Chronicles of Kris - 03.18.10

Hi All,

We've got a lot of catching up to do. When the elders said time flies after 25, they were not lying. So with that said, I'm gonna try to bring everyone up to speed real quick. The last month seems like a big blur but honestly, there were some major accomplishments in 1st quarter '10. After a year or so of trying to figure out what to do with our works, my writing partner and I shot the first few episodes of our scripted web programs. We decided to turn my feature film and her pilot tv series into content that you can jump to & click on while you're bored at work. Chea! So I'll definitely let you know when our work is up and running online just for you! We are excited for the possibilities and of course, the continued learning lessons and growth.

It's funny to think about the ebbs & flows that my creative team has encountered and will continue to experience as creative beings. We've gotten things in motion, doubted, had schedule conflicts, gone back to the drawing board, had a productive meeting, cancelled shoots, started over, and then all of a sudden...something just clicked. It wasn't overnight; but I realized what it was. We made a decision that we were going to shoot something - anything!! - in the first quarter of 2010. That decision really put things in motion because we were determined to take these characters off the page and stand them right in front of our faces!

It's no secret that ideas, concepts, & dialogue float through my head all day every day. We can all have these visions but without follow through, it means nothing. One of my partners always says 'just get one thing done,' and now I am finally beginning to understand what she means. KRISTEN, GET ONE THING DONE AT A TIME. JUST DO IT! We must stack our bricks before we can stand on a sturdy wall. We must be able to handle thousands of dollars before managing a million. We must produce one project before handling a slate of productions! There are steps to this thing and no matter how badly I try to jump to some far off land where I do and get everything my heart desires, I must be able to handle what's in my midst.

I must be in the moment, enjoying the process, the beautiful struggle of learning more of who I am & observing what it is I do and don't want in my energy field. And quite simply, making a decision on what I want and setting the universe in motion to achieve whatever goal I have set forth to accomplish.

I watched this Will Smith video on Monday...and I was just blown away. I need to step my game up. We, as a community, need to step our games up. Here's to new dreams and decisions. Keep pondering and using your ability to choose what you want. The strongest thing we can do, besides loving one another, is make a decision to live our best lives!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLN2k0b3g70

Enjoy,

Kris

The 'Crush Groove' Chronicles of Kris - 02.14.10

I'm a self-proclaimed late bloomer with hundreds of stories about crushes and people I loved to like. Some of my tales are actually too embarassing to write but here are a few of my fav truths that don't make me blush (as much) anymore. :)

4 - My grandmother and my childhood crush have the same initials. I begged my Nana for her gold ring that had her initials in them for months. I never really told her why, and I don't remember the excuse I gave her. But finally she let me 'have' the ring and I wore it proudly. Finally, during class, my crush grabbed my hand and stared at the ring. He said lovingly (because of course I thought he liked me too lol), 'what do those initials stand for?' I think I batted my eyes and said something like 'you know what they stand for' and ran off. (Now, I'm not sure if this freaked him out but it sure as hell would freak me out for a 9 year old friend to have a KC ring on his finger. LOL)

3 - One of my high school crushes was a family friend. He was the only boy allowed in my room. To this day, I think he knew full well that I had a crush on him but I was terribly shy. I remember him asking me for a massage and my hands literally trembled at the thought of touching his skin. He would come over and we'd play games, just very innocent. One day he fell asleep on my bed and on me and I literally could not breathe. Not because he was crushing me, but because HE WAS LAYING ON ME. Aaaaah! After about 15 minutes, he jumped up all of a sudden as if he was startled. I said, 'what happened?' His reply - 'Ummm...I'm getting too comfortable.' He got himself together. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes. He said he'd call me later and then he went through the front door. My mom was downstairs reading the paper so when I closed the door, she looked up at me. My face was beat red. She said, 'Sweetheart, what happened?' I said, 'I don't know' and burst into tears...
(My reaction reading this now: Poor baby! lol)

2 - I have a college friend who I thought was a divine one coming back to Earth. (Real talk. I think Michael Jackson was one of them as well.) He and I were friends, but I was inspired and intrigued and the whole bit. He's a lyricist so one night after hanging out, he decided to walk me back to my room. I was giggling and completely amused by whatever he was saying, and mentioned that I wanted to learn how to rap. He started breaking down his process and that I should think about things that rhyme. We went through a few little words that rhyme - time, dime, lime, etc. I thought for a second and we did a mini-cipher and I spit. It was great. I fell in love that night. 'Rap to me some more.' LOL

1 - When I was 16, I participated in a recruitment day for my scholarship program. It was held at my church and we were responsible for interviewing new candidates for the program. An admissions officer from a New England school came to the event. I think all the women at my church did the 'turn.' So the day goes by and the day comes to an end. Everyone's wrapping up and when he gets outside, his car is gone from the church parking lot. Apparently he had valuables in the backseat and someone broke in. All of my deaconesses look around like, 'I'm sorry for you but I gotta get home.' My mom turns and says, 'Well, you can come to our house and use the phone.' I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE! I vividly remember skating around my kitchen. There's a man in the house!!! And he's 24!!!We stayed up that night and he told us about his experience at a prestigious college. I probably exhaled 5 times right in front of him. Long story short, he did stay on the couch and traveled back to New England the next day. I was pretty silent for most of the day once we dropped him off at the train station. Finally, I asked - 'Mommy, when am I gonna have a guy like that?' My mom replied, 'He will come when you are ready...but you've got plenty of time for that, sweetheart.' I love my mommy...
So funny how you meet people...I'll never forget that. :)

Ok, I'm hungry. Time to grab some grub with my best friend and the fam. Enjoy your day!!!

Love & all that other...
KRIS

The 'Greatest Love of All' Chronicles of Kris - 02.14.10

Ahh, good morning. I hope everyone's enjoying the long All-Star/Boo-Lovin Observance weekend. I partake in the All-Star portion of this but ya know, love's in the air no matter what day it is. Last night I watched Love Jones for the 8723rd time in my life, even though it felt like the first. It's funny how certain messages hit home although you've been surrounded by them forever...you don't really catch the truth in anything until you're truly ready for it.

So this morning, I journaled to myself for the first time in a few weeks. I write for various reasons everyday but I finally allowed that quiet time to be completely free-flowing and nonjudgemental of my thoughts. 'Self' has been whispering that I needed to shut up & write, because I recently unleashed my ego and allowed her to run her mouth like wildfire & show her ugly lil' head! I haven't done that in quite a while so it was definitely time to regroup and process my greatness of spirit versus my weakness of flesh. It's funny how I let go of my strength at what felt like a weak moment where I was unsure of myself. (That's backwards I know. Why do we do that to ourselves?)

My overall goal this year is to be more intuitive and decisive, yet I've done a poor job of staying aligned with this goal recently. It's easy to say, do, and act our best when we feel at our best personally & professionally but when we question ourselves, sometimes the bottom falls out OR we pull it from under our own feet and blame other things. Sometimes we cry over spilled milk when it's been sour and should have been mopped up already. At this point, all I can think about is the quintessential phrase 'keep it movin son' but what happens when you just don't wanna move? You get stuck in a rut (probably all by your damn self lol)...so I have to refocus and realize - I'm just living out my lessons.

I am at my greatest with my pen. I feel love & connection in that. I feel the boundlessness of who I am and who I was created to be. I feel the 'heart to heart' connection that I sometimes wish I felt in 'face to face' interaction. This is the place I call home.

So why do I allow myself to feel like a stranger at times? Because in my attempt to be 'right,' I lose my righteousness. In my attempt to prove my point, I step away from things that deserve my greatest energy & focus. It's funny how when I experience discord, I can feel the physical & spiritual split. (I've actually always sensed this, but never quite in these terms.) The part of me that's offended versus the part of me that's merely observing life and taking notes. The part of me that harbors fears of lonliness versus the part of me that knows I'm never alone...ever.

So it's a new year again. My goal is for two to remain one. When I'm feeling all razzle dazzle frazzled, I must take it to the Source as opposed to fighting my own fears. And even after I press Send and go about my business for the day, I'll have to come back to this quiet place and remind myself that I don't ever have to do this thing called life on my own if I just listen...

...now that's love.

The 'Love Song' Chronicles of Kris - 02.06.10

I'm most honest with myself when I write, which is why I'm constantly scribbling. I generally write four Chronicles a week in my head but sit down to pen one, if any at all. My emotions have been topsy turvy within the last seven days. Thankfully, I've had creativity to distract me - with full-time work & independent projects stealing most of the minutes in my day, it doesn't leave too much idle time for me to ponder about moments past. And thank the good Lord for that! However, in between takes, there's this faint voice telling me that I need to sit down and meditate or at least write. So here goes...

This morning I hit a milestone. I listened to Eric Roberson. Yes. For the first time in months. This time last year, I had just discovered his music and purchased all of his albums but it wasn't long before he was torn away from me. Or I gave him away. We had to break up...well because...other things had broken up. After crying to him on more than a few occasions, I couldn't bear to listen to any of his songs.

Don't you hate when that happens?! When great music becomes tainted by experience? You mistakenly create a soundtrack that leaves your record collection all screwed up. It's almost like robbery; a situation goes South and then all of a sudden your favorite songs become kill joys, stained by imperfection.

All music has some sort of stamp on it. We associate people, places, periods in our lives with melody. One of my all-time favorite songs 'Septembro' was introduced to me sixteen years ago in dance class, and I always reflect on those times in rehearsal and how much that song touched me as a 9 year old. I remember associating Mandy Moore's 'I Wanna Be With You' & Beenie Man's 'Girls Dem Sugar' to a high school crush. And Anthony Anderson's 'Charlene' to an awful kiss in college. LOL But I digress...

Here recently, I went through another transition and found a few songs caught in the middle. Of course, I do reflect on moments...but I decided to fight back and continue singing my song. I am not letting these tunes go up in flames over one moment in my life! It's just not gonna happen. These songs are too special to me. This is MY playlist and I'm not gonna allow anything to come between me and my music! My song selections aren't gonna be ruined just because a situation has run its course.

I didn't even realize I had changed my way of thinking and 'put my headphones on' until Eric Roberson showed up on my iPod. I paused for a second and then thought, 'Wow, when's the last time I heard this song?' I chuckled because I remembered right away - there I was, sitting in my bed, a hot, bubblin mess wiping my eyes with the back of my hand like a little kid who just got pushed by the class bully. Waaa waaa...ya'll know the growing pains...

Eric came back to me and my listening this morning was effortless. I guess it was to show me that I could literally face the music, face my past, and create a new present and future with the music I love. Although I'm telling this story for dramatic effect (lol), I really had shut his music out of my catalog and just shook my head with regret. But tonight I am currently reacquainting myself to his albums and am happy that I have him back. He won't be walking out of the door with the next dj such and such. Whether it's peaches & herb all day long or not, no one is taking my song. End of story.

The '50th Factor: Lessons in Love & Like' Chronicles of Kris - 01.29.10

Hi Family,

Random KVC fact: I absolutely love 50 Cent.
There's something endearing about him. Under all that aggression lies a warm, fuzzy bear. I'm convinced.

Actually if you know me well, you'd know my obsession isn't all that random. I met 50 Cent eight years ago when I interned at BET. He was previewing the video for 'In Da Club,' his New Joint of the Day before 106 & Park. He hadn't seen the video yet so naturally, he was excited. I was seated behind him, snickering at his giddiness until he turned around and smiled at me. He thought I was just as thrilled to see the video and suddenly, I was. The moment his eyes met mine, I stopped and celebrated with him. I caught myself saying, 'Awww, congratulations.' At the end of the day, his car passed me as I walked to the train station. He rolled down his window and waved at me. I was shocked he bothered to remember, let alone acknowledge me, and I waved goodnight. He gained a fan that day...accidentally on purpose.

Fast forward eight years later and I own all of 50 Cent's albums, his photo book '50 X 50' and I've worked on a 50 Cent project. I'm fascinated by his mystique so I decided to also pick up his book 'The 50th Law,' which is co-written by Robert Greene, the author of 'The 48 Laws of Power.' The book is right up my alley - an examination of the way we process, analyze, and move through life.

The 50th Law is essentially 'fear nothing.' Greene breaks down 50's experiences and how he was able to move past the negative emotion of fear. Although many of the principles resonate with me, I am shocked that 50 did not even attempt to tackle the #1 downfall of them all - heartbreak (& the aftermath of picking up the pieces without fearing another bout of abandonment). I yelled about that as I read through each section. 'Uh huh, you're not going there. I know you're not touching love. Uh huh, next chapter.' Yes, he discusses how to properly position yourself in leadership roles amongst groups of people but he doesn't address one-on-one interaction directly at all...

50 has always presented himself as this unpenetrable monster, someone who shoots before you even get a chance to load your gun. He shields himself from all (love and) harm by isolating himself. Isolating himself and basking in the glory of money, power...and solitude. There is a difference between being along & lonely, but I doubt he really enjoys either one. Through the pain of losing his parents and false friends, he's learned to accept isolation because it's not beneficial to open your heart up, only for it to get stomped on. I feel you, 50. I do...but I can't live like that. I wanna see you with a woman. I wanna see your soft strength. It's only fair. 50, we all need love and cash can't hug you back. But I know you know this, and acknowledge this in your journal if not your book.

He says, "Understand: the real secret, the real formula for power in this world, lies in accepting the ugly reality that learning requires a process, and this in turn demands patience and the ability to endure drudge work." Since 50 refuses to touch on matters of the heart, I will. In my own life, I must accept that intimate relationships demand patience and the ability to endure the trials and tribulations that come with it. That means not giving up 'the goal' when you've 'failed.' That means taking experiences we'd label as good or bad, and make them neutral. They have shown up in our lives to catapult us to the next level, whether we realize it or not. Everyone has an agenda, and you must be clear about your own without losing yourself in trying to win or lose. What is winning or losing anyway? Sometimes things are removed so that you can make room for the real victory. In my life, I must remain in balance - understanding that at any moment, things could change for what appears to be the better or the worse. But in actuality, it's all for the greatness so I vow to experience fully but not dependently. My joys, my growths, my triumphs are not dependent on someone else's moves. However affected, I will never move fearfully.

I watch 50 Cent's new video 'Do You Think About Me' at least once a day. Besides the fact that I love the song, there's a level of unapologetic honesty (ahem, crazy) that's going on in the clip. Vivica A. Fox is a hot mess; We've all seen her crying and talking about 50 in real life so to see her play the role of the crazy ex slashing tires is not beneath her reality. Because of this, I sometimes wish she'd shut up and go cry in bed. You're the female representative, don't let em see you sweat!!! I hate that she's letting it known how hurt she was/is and I especially hate that she has no strategy. But then, I realize damn, she's (wide) open to love...

Damn it, Vivica. Matters of the heart are never cut and dry. Watch the last :30 of the video...there's something in the pain of her remembering the good times, the excitement of getting revenge on 50, the regret of acting radically, and finally the vulnerability of just wanting him...aaaah, emotions will get you every time...no wonder she's a hot mess! Sheesh, maybe 50's got a point. Why put your hand on the fire when you know it's gonna burn?! Why go down a dead-end block? The real fight is not the love itself, but the fear of going down that road (alone)...No matter what happens, love is stronger than fear if you allow it to flow...take a chance...who's gonna be the representative? :)

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

The ‘Drawing Board’ Chronicles of Kris – 01/25/10

Good Early Morning!
I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. It's been way too long since I've sat down to the computer, although I have been writing to you all in my head for weeks on end! 2010 hit the ground running - I had a little bit of outside foolishness struggling through my doorways but I was so pre-occupied with more important things that the door was forced shut. Thank the Lord I really didn't have a moment to even allow my emotions to get the best of me. I am so excited to be back into the swing of productivity of writing/producing a series (BET's The Deal which airs at daily at 3am) while diligently working my personal plan; I feel alot more alive when I'm running around with no time. I have always accomplished more with less time. Funny how it works that way...

Last weekend I treated myself to a stroll around the neighborhood. Although I walk to various locations in downtown Newark all the time, I rarely take the opportunity to just sight see or walk around aimlessly. I didn't have a goal in mind; I just wanted to walk and breathe. One particular block caught my attention and I continued to turn the same corners 7 times while engaging in a rivoting phone conversation about relationships with my writing partner. Although I was running my mouth, I was very aware of my surroundings and taking mental notes. Interestingly, I noticed something new about the block every single time I circled around.

Once I got off the phone, I went into the Art Kitchen, the Coffee Cave, and two art galleries. All of these landmarks were foreign and completely new to me. I had a great time sitting or perusing through each one. I was in no particular rush so I spent the entire day just relaxing as I arrived at each destination.

I found extreme excitement and joy in spotting something new every time I turned the corner of Halsey Street. I feel that way about every experience; nine times out of ten, we do not receive the entire lesson when we experience something the first time around so sometimes we have to keep going back to that familiar place in order to obtain something else. We may not even realize there's more to experience but we find outselves at similar junctures time and again until finally, we see and experience all that's there for us.

In my efforts to be more decisive and intutive, I'm becoming way more in tune...or at least becoming a better listener/observer to my own layers. Lately I've been awakening to more of my artist spirit in an attempt to get to know the various pieces of Kristen Victoria. I have decided to take up some sort of visual art (probably coloring and sketching) and get in front of a microphone. If you've been near me in the past couple of days, I've been screaming about how much I want to record an r&b mixtape. I've always loved to sing but since I always thought I could dance better than I could sing, people only know me as a dancer. Actually I only really know myself as a dancer. I don't even need others to hear what I put together; I just want to hear myself and see where I can go with ideas, words, rhythms, and the freedom of a new creative space.

As the days go by (in this new decade), I am hoping that we all can work on releasing more of our self-judgements in order to reveal pieces of ourselves we've previously put to bed. Over the weekend, I held the first few rehearsals for my scripted series Sellout and the feeling of my words coming alive feels incredibly fulfilling and humbling. It felt like my characters have FINALLY come off of the page and stepped onto Earth and right into the room. But this did not happen until I was ready for it to happen....until I called it up...until I stopped judging my work for not being good enough. I finally just said, 'I don't care, I just want to get something on film.' Now, we'll see how the project evolves but my characters are in the flesh because I am open to that. I finally hit the block and saw something that spoke to my spirit in a different way, that allowed me to go in without pre-judging and just say here's me, here's my art, and I'm gonna do something with it.

I realize we spend more time fighting ourselves than other people. But how did we get this way? How and why did we start caring about what other people thought of us over what we thought of ourselves? Why is social acceptance or 'rightness' so important? And furthermore, when did we start believing that a life without truth and love is even acceptable? If anything, I've been spending more of my time studying how to revert to our God selves - being full of clarity and bringing peace to our lives and circumstances. When did we lose that? I suppose I'll spend more time becoming more peaceful as opposed to figuring out how we became less peaceful. Gotta keep the forward moving and thinking on the horizon...

Life is funny. Has anyone read any Neale Donald Walsch books? I hardly recommend him. I'm gonna read a few pages and hit the hay. I've gotta get back to my regularly scheduled Chronicles. I miss you guys when I'm away too long.

Have a great week and do something you've never done to achieve something you've never achieved...(and tell me about it!) Keep sketching, keep dreaming, keep putting love thoughts into action!!!

Creating Always,
Kristen Victoria

The 'Love Everlasting' Chronicles of Kris - 12/31/09

Dear Love,

It is once again that I sit down to the keyboard with a humble heart - thankful for peace in this moment, tranquility in my spirit, and creativity in the midst. It's no coincidence that we are in some way connected, and I thank you for your positive energy as we all move forward as a community. I hope that we will continue to support each other even more as we live out the missions written on our hearts and vision boards.

I have plenty of goals for the new year, and they all surround one ultimate goal - being more decisive and intuitive, trusting what I already know or feel within my heart. I skimmed through a few Chronicles from last year, and it's amazing to hear the energy in each of those writings. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have each of you. You have strengthened my spirit in some way, shape, or form - whether it's a simple smile as we bump into each other on the street, food for thought during a lengthy convo that I needed, or a listening ear as I vent, it all means so much! Your friendship and mentorship is something that cannot be replaced! I appreciate that you continue to accept my gifts and continue to share yours with me.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that love and understanding is all that we need in this life. There is no way around our life's lessons except to go through them with an open heart. And if it's not open, we'll keep on experiencing & analyzing the same things until we learn the way in which we should go. :)

As we enter a new year, decade, and energy, I wish everyone a happy, healthy, prosperous celebration with family and friends. Here's to new goals and action plans!!!

Love Always, Kristen Victoria

P.S. I love this quote 'We are what we've been waiting for...'